Diane
is a girl in her mid twenties. She is a Christian but we won't tell
you any more about her; we'll let her speak for herself. The following
wasn't written as a testimony, but it certainly is. We include her writings
in the hope that it will bring hope to others in similar situations
I
feel like a "genetic mutant". I know they only used
the term to describe my genetic diversion from the "norm"
and not to make me feel like the lizard woman, but it still stings and
I feel silly for that. I have had problems with co-ordination
and was late developing from day one, and I've had pain in my legs ever
since I can remember. But we all thought that was just the way
I was, I thought everyone else hurt that much too!
But,
for the last 12 years I have been "disabled", not knowing
what to think anymore. All I knew was that I'd had a nasty viral
infection which appeared to cause damage to my nervous system. Then
I found I have a genetic rheumatic disease that affects almost
all my joints and also causes inflammation to my heart valves and lungs
and gives me fevers. I have battled with emphysema which was diagnosed
2 years ago, and now I'm told I have a type of genetic dystonia to do
with levadopa, a chemical in the brain which is responsible for neuro-transmitters
so can affect any nerve path or muscle group. It can also cause
psychological symptoms and dementia, although my specialist assures
me that I'm not mad or demented yet!
The
amount of negativity that has been spoken over me in hospital is unbelievable.
Of course I want them to give it to me straight but they seem so full
of doom. They want me to consider being sterilised. I am
over 25 which means I can have it done after 2 sessions with a genetic
counsellor, marvellous! I am told this condition is hereditary,
and I'd never want my children to go through this, yet I feel I have
lost my children before I've had the chance to have them. I feel
pushed into making choices I don't know what God wants me to do with.
I
am supposed to be "resting my brain" and not studying etc.
because of the chemical changes it brings about in the brain and my
"dysfunctional" dopamine levels. But then what would
I do? God didn't put me here to be a cabbage, I am sure of that
if nothing else!
I
am on dopamine at the highest dose which is the same drug they try to
treat Parkinson's disease with. It's pretty grim, lots of nausea
and sickness, extreme tiredness and some of my hair is falling out.
They will keep me on this for 6 months to see if it will at least slow
down the progression of things. By the grace of God I can just
about cope with the physical, just.
I've
come on so far with the physio and speech they think it's a miracle!
It's the psychological stuff I'm struggling with. It's either
just another phase of the disease or the drugs themselves but I've had
minor hallucinations and paranoia (actually thinking I was in the Matrix
twice and thinking someone had poisoned my jelly!) It sounds funny
now but it's really freaky, people's faces kept changing and twisting
but I was told it could be a lot worse, could be seeing stuff that wasn't
there at all etc.
For
the first time I can begin to understand what it must be like to have
a mental illness. The mood swings and depression are hard work.
It seems ridiculous because I'm not really depressed, I mean I'm really
pleased by how far I've come and how He's blessed me, I know it's the
drugs changing my chemicals again, but it still feels real. I
feel so detached I can't explain it and I can't exactly talk to people
about it, they'd run a mile. I feel like I should be able to get
my head round all this stuff, but my head hurts too much already.
The
throat spasms I get are awful as they bend my neck backwards and I feel
like I'm being strangled from the inside. The first time it happened
was scary and they thought they'd have to cut a hole in my throat as
I was choking. But I know what it is now and can cope.
The worst thing about it is that it must look so awful. I know
my eyes roll back and my wheezing and gasping make me look like I'm
about to drop dead. I feel really self conscious about it because
it scares people.
I
know that unless a miracle happens, I won't live forever, especially
with the emphysema, and it scares me that if I get too close to people
or if they knew then everything would change. Is it selfish to
want to get married even? I guess I'm losing a sense of who I
am, I really want Him to show me who He wants me to be, I know that's
what's important. I know I'm rambling and you must think I'm a
real misery. I promise you I don't feel sorry for myself, but
I can't deny my feelings. I honestly do see the positive in all
this, and the fruits of His blessings on me. I don't know how
else to explain myself, I guess He'll sort me out in time!
…………….
While
I was in hospital, God filled my heart with praise as I listened to
worship music pretty much 24/7, literally day and night. It was
a powerful experience. Every time I came to a song that my spirit
rejected and made me feel angry with Him, I listened to it on repeat
play until my heart changed to worship through it. Sometimes it
took 30 odd times for me to "get there". I don't blame
God for what's happening, not deep down.
One
day a friend came to visit me in hospital and I was having a really
rough time. He was so gentle natured with me and when I broke
down, he held me for half an hour! I never cry on people's shoulders
or whatever so I was as surprised as he was! He didn't have to
say or do anything, he was just there for me and I won't forget it.
That night I felt low and cried out to God "where are you, I need
to feel you?" and then I realised that He had already hugged me
through my friend for half an hour, so I couldn't really complain could
I?! A similar thing happened with another friend I didn't realise was
so special, and He is showing me not to be afraid of my feelings.
I'm
writing this a few weeks later, after another hospital experience since
I deteriorated again. I have to leave my college course but that need
not be a negative thing, I'll get to do stuff "healthy" people
don't have time to do! That's what He does, turns my darkness into a
blessing. I don't know whether I will become severely disabled,
or worse, but I do know that he loves me and is holding my hand. My
psychological symptoms has practically disappeared, what an answer
to prayer! I can honestly say that although I have my moments, He has
given me peace in my heart, joy, and a deeper understanding of His love.
Whatever life brings me, I will always have that with me.
………………..
While
in hospital, God has shown me many things. Not just about His
grace and mercy, but how He wants us to let Him fulfil His potential
in each of us. As my human frailty stared blankly at me, my body
useless, I felt like a quivering rabbit, caught in a trap it didn't
even understand. I asked God to send His holy spirit to anoint
me. I didn't know whether I could or should but it seemed all
I could do. Apart from my physical battle and roller coaster of
emotions, spiritually lots happened. Sometimes with other patients,
hospital staff, but mostly in me.
I
began to see God's love like never before, but also the pain in both
myself and others. I've come to realise that the more pain we
have in our lives, the more potential we have to be changed by the power
of His healing touch into something beautiful.
It
seems ironic that with such healing grace on offer, we are still intent
on hiding what hurts us most, and what we are afraid of others seeing
in us, when He can show us how truly beautiful those awful things can
be changed into for His glory. It is only human to feel like this
though. Even Jesus in the garden pleaded with His Father "take
this cup away from me, yet not my will but Yours" and He knew what
was to come, that He would go back to His Father in the end, just like
we will. It would have been bizarre and ridiculous if He had said
"yippee, tomorrow I'm going to be crucified!" and we are as
human in our emotions as Jesus' human form was.
As
I watched the dying patient opposite me feebly suck on a sponge on a
stick, I saw Christ as they offered up the vinegar on rags as He hung
on the cross. As Jesus hung there, His Father turned His face
away as He could not bear to look at our sin. Jesus took that
for us, so how can we possibly throw that back at Him by living behind
a mask?
We're
so good at it too, even hiding behind church, bible studies or worship,
never showing Him the real us, which by the way, He sees anyway!
Some of us are broken in our bodies while others are just walking around
dying inside. There's just no time for this anymore. God
doesn't want us to merely exist, He wants us to LIVE! Our time
here is important, His return is dependant on our witness.
With
all my "props" in life gone, I only had myself to confront,
to show others. And despite my human darkness, He has claimed
His throne and victory in my heart. I am so BLESSED! If
he can do it for me, He can do it for you. If this had happened
to you, could you honestly say that you'd like what you were left with?
I didn't, but Jesus did! By His wounds I am healed, and what a
transformation it will be!
We
sing songs about being hungry for God, desperate for Him, which is great,
but do you see how hungry He is and how desperate He is for us?
We don't have to beg Him to come to us, He's already here. We
don't always feel it, but He is. Carrying our pain says to Jesus
that the cross wasn't enough. What a kick in the teeth for Him!
It causes insecurity and a distance between us and God, and with others
who care about us. We will always feel just out of reach in that
state, and never truly satisfied or fulfilled.
If
He can show the likes of me this amazing love, to make our deepest wounds
into the most exquisite diamonds, then what will it take for you to
take your mask off for Him and those close to you? What will it
take for you to live out His sacrifice and say YES?!
………………
I
wrote the following while in hospital and I would like to share a couple
of them with you, I think they explain my feelings.
In
the dark small hours you are here with me
In
the dark small hours You are here with me.
Starburst
shower, vision of truth
Your
miracle of life glowing inside of me
You
make me feel special, make me feel alive
My
fate truly in Your hands, nothing to hide behind
How
many could say they have seen this truth?
With
nothing left but Your touch, Your love?
What
a precious gift, how you have blessed me!
Such
joy in this beauty You show me
Such
peace in my heart, even in despair
All
this for Your glory, praise Your name!
Starburst
shower, vision of truth
Your
miracle of life glowing inside of me.
Well,
that is Diane. She wrote all of that without any guidance. That is her.
An incredibly brave testimony. My you also know the Lord in the midst
of the trials that you may be experiencing today. If you have allowed
this amazing testimony to touch you, then worship Him. Give Him
the many questions you may have about your life or Diane's and offer
them as worship to the One who is faithful and true, and whose love
is there to hold us and keep us.
If
you want to ask anything further about the Christian faith, contact
Tony Thomas:
tony.thomas@rochfordcc.co.uk
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