When
your Offender abused you, your confidence in them was shattered and
it is going to take some time and effort by BOTH of you to rebuild it.
Forms
of Abuse
Abuse
simply means misuse or ill-treatment (that's a dictionary definition!).
Abuse,
therefore, can include someone verbally attacking you with abusive language,
to cause you emotional pain.
It
can include them blatantly lying to you, or speaking untruths about
you to others.
It
can include physically hitting you to cause you physical pain or sexually
abusing you for their own gratification.
It
can include their abandonment of you for another, when previously there
has been a strong relationship between you.
In
each of these cases your confidence in that person (your trust) will
have been severely damaged.
When
you next encounter them again, you may find it very difficult to not
think, "Will they do that again to me?"
Does
it Matter?
If
the person in question emigrated and you never ever saw them again,
the matter of loss of trust wouldn't matter at all - as far as they
are concerned.
However,
the fact that you have been abused by them, may create a thought in
you, "Will someone else do that to me?" In other words you
may find it difficult to trust other people, now.
If
you have ongoing contact with your Offender, especially if they are
your parent or your partner, then you are likely to be living on the
edge, fearing a repetition of the abuse.
In
both these instances, your life is not what it could be, and you
need to take steps to bring change.
Rebuilding
Trust
As
we approach this subject, we need to realise that every situation is
unique and so it's possible we may not match your particular situation,
but we will try to provide general strategies that could be applicable.
In
doing this we need to reiterate some assumptions here:
a)
We assume that you have already gone through the stages of forgiveness
covered by the two previous pages about forgiveness.
b)
We assume that there are two of you who are willing to work at this
from both sides. If this is not so, then you will need to think the
following through excluding those parts that refer to the other person's
side of it.
c)
We assume you are the offended person.
Having
laid down those assumptions, let's now
go through the suggested 'helps'.
1.
Get God's Help
If
you are a Christian or someone who is used to praying, ask God to help
you.
James 1:5 encourages us to ask God for wisdom - the
knowledge of what to do, how to act - and tells us that He gives generously
and without finding fault. Getting God's help can be the first vital
stage.
2.
Talk it through together
It
is important for your 'Abuser' to understand your loss of trust and
your desire to rebuild it.
They
need to realise that THEY have a vital part to play in this.
They
cannot simply expect you to trust them easily.
Your
confidence has been smashed! It would be good to talk through the following
strategies.
3.
Determine how to avoid the situation arising again.
The
'abuse' didn't just happen, there was a build-up to it.
If
it was their temper, then there are usually stages in the building up
of that temper until flash point.
Those
stages need breaking into and thwarting and if the other person isn't
willing to do something about that, then the burden for preventing it
will upon upon you alone.
Their
refusal, they need to understand, will only reinforce your lack of confidence
in them.
Wherever
possible avoid letting the circumstances build towards conflict.
4.
Lay down boundaries.
You
need to be clear in your mind what is acceptable and what is unacceptable
behaviour from them.
Once
you have got clear in your mind what is unacceptable (e.g. being hit!!!),
you then need to decide how you are going to say that to them, how you
can both decide that it won't happen again, and then what you are going
to do if it does happen again.
(Regular
abuse needs to be faced for what it is - don't make excuses - and it
needs stopping.)
You
may need someone else's advice or counsel to determine how you're going
to deal with this.
5.
Build Confidence in Yourself.
Very
often, the other person abuses us because we let them, and we let them
because we lack confidence to be assertive. This, for many, is
a very large part of the issue.
Some
of the other pages in this area - about God's love for you - should
help you to realise more clearly how much God loves you and is for you,
and what He thinks about you.
On
other parts of the Web you should be able to find sites on Assertiveness
- just go to a search engine and type in "Assertiveness" -
and that will start you along the path of being able to speak confidently
and being able to take control in a conversation.
This
is not about you becoming aggressive, but it is about you becoming the
person God wants you to be, able to be in charge of your side of things
to avoid being trampled on.
6.
Do things together.
Communication
is vital in any relationship, and the person who offended you or abused
you, needs to be working at regaining your confidence in them - by changing
and being nice!
That
sounds a bit simplistic but that's what it is - them changing so their
behaviour is the opposite to what it was.
Only
when you see change, is your subconscious going to agree that there
is hope!
7.
Persevere.
Rebuilding
trust takes time, energy and perseverance.
If
we are to avoid slipping back into a negative behaviour pattern where
abuse ensues, we must persevere with the above strategies until we are
both confident that the abuse pattern is a thing of the past.
Much
more could be said about this subject. We hope there is sufficient
here to give you hope.
Working
Alone
In what we've said above, we've assumed that two of you are working
together to bring change, to enable the future to be better.
However,
there may be circumstances where you have just allowed people generally
to treat you badly, or perhaps where the person or people in question
are no longer in your area of life.
It
means therefore that you will need to address the things in yourself
that need rebuilding, on your own.
So
items 1 and 5 above are particularly relevant, and will need working
through either alone, or with a mentor.
Perhaps
you need to find someone who can talk these things out with you and
help you walk a new path of confidence.
Can
we help?
If you would like to talk further about these things,
then the leaders of Rochford Community Church are available to help
you.
Remember,
if you want to e-mail Tony, it's tony.thomas@rochfordcc.co.uk
We
recognise that the issues covered on this and the other pages
are not easy ones to deal with and often discussion, help and
counsel are helpful. To that end we can come and run a Course
covering these things to help people face these issues in a confidential
and non-threatening environment where they may ask questions and
gradually reach their own conclusions as to course of action to
be followed. If you represent a church or a group and wish to
avail yourselves of such a course, please contact Tony using the
e-mail address given. |
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