Contents
Introduction
These
pages are primarily for Christians, but we hope that if you are a non-Christian
you will benefit from them as well. This page is one of four and the
subjects covered are:
1.
Am I an Offender with Unresolved Issues?
2.
Is there an Outstanding Wrong Hanging Over My Life?
3.
Trust that needs to be Rebuilt.
4.
When a Leader falls.
On
page 1 of these four pages about forgiveness, you will find the basics
which need understanding whether you are the offender or the offended.
This
page is for those who have been offended, but if you haven't yet read
Parts 1 & 2 of the first page, you should do before progressing
through this one.
If
you have been wronged in the past and it has not been properly dealt
with, then both you and your Offender will have things in your lives
yet to be dealt with, things that stop you living completely at peace.
Perhaps
for most of the time you handle it well, but every now and then, the
past raises its ugly head and you realise there are still areas that
are not settled. We hope this page will help you.
To
Recap:
On
page 1 we said that the approach of "offence then forgiveness"
without acknowledgement by the offender, was unbiblical. Why is
that?
First,
because that is not the approach laid down by the Bible.
Luke
17:3 gives the order:
offence - rebuke - repentance - forgiveness.
Moreover
in Colossians
3:13 there is a clear injunction to "Forgive as the Lord
forgave you".
The
vital question therefore, for an offended person is "How did the
Lord forgive me?"
Whether
the forgiveness was when you became a Christian, or at some other later
times when you have been aware of needing God's forgiveness, the principles
are the same.
How
did God forgive me?
Did God just shrug his shoulders and say, "OK, you
sinned, I'll forgive you!" No, it was very much more complex
than that. If we are to forgive as God forgave us, we need to observe
carefully how He did it.
There
were certain clear things that happened:
1.
He confronted me
At
some point God pointed out my wrong to me; He faced me with it.
That might have been through your conscience, He might have spoken directly
into you by His Spirit, He might have spoken to you through His word,
or He might have spoken to you through someone else, perhaps a preacher.
2.
He made provision for me to be forgiven.
Wrongs
deserve punishment. God ensures every wrong is punished. When He forgives
you He doesn't condone what you did and write it off as trivial.
He knows that every wrong will have consequences in eternity.
For you to inherit all the wonders of heaven in eternity, God has to
remove any stigma against you so there is no outstanding issue to be
paid for.
The
truth is that Jesus Christ paid for your guilt and shame, and took your
punishment when he hung on the Cross. How could he? Because he is the
eternal Son of God who existed in time two thousand years ago, but also
outside of time in eternity.
God
has done everything He could to ensure your forgiveness.
3.
He was patient and waited until I came to repentance.
If
God put a time limit on our repentance, we would be in dire trouble.
Suppose He said, "I'll give you ten minutes after every offence
for you to repent. If you don't, you're dead meat!" We would
have been dead long ago!
Imagine
an offence, let's make it a simple one: you get stressed with
the children and you blow it, and you scream and shout and swear at
them. That IS an offence against God as well against the children.
You didn't realise it? Wow! And that was a simple one!
Anyway,
imagine you did it. It takes you half an hour to calm down, and then
another half an hour to come round to saying sorry.
What is God doing? He's just waiting for you!
4.
He still loved me while He waited.
Yes,
this is staggering, especially when you think of bigger offences.
The reality is that God still loves us while He's waiting.
Yes,
He may discipline us and it may be painful (Hebrews
12:5,6) but He still loves us. What is even more amazing,
He may actually bless us with good things while He's waiting!
Some
of us take ages to come to repentance over some issues and amazingly
God still continues to pour our His love on us. Don't ever say
that God doesn't care about your sin because He's still blessing you.
That's just a sign of His grace - He's still waiting!
5.
He forgave me when I repented.
The
moment you acknowledged it and confessed it, He dealt with it (1
John 1:9) - gone, a past event!
Now
let's just list those things to ensure we take them in:
1.
He confronted me.
2.
He made provision for me to be forgiven.
3.
He was patient and waited until I came to repentance.
4.
He still loved me while He waited.
5.
He forgave me when I repented.
But note that He did NOT forgive me until I repented. To forgive
when there is no repentance is to minimise the seriousness of Sin.
Go
through the Bible if you like, and check it out - God only forgives
when we have repented. This is of vital importance. Your sin is
so important, Jesus had to die for it!
So,
we said above that in Colossians 3:3 it says we are to forgive
as God forgave us. We therefore need to look
at this list of the things that happen when God forgives us, and see
how they apply to us when we have been wronged by another person.
How
must I go about forgiving my Offender?
Let's
translate the list to me and my offender:
1.
I must confronted them.
2.
I must make provision for them to be forgiven.
3.
I must be patient and wait until they come to repentance.
4.
I must still love them while I wait.
5.
I must forgive them when they repent.
That
looks a pretty awesome list, so we must go through them carefully to
see what they mean.
On
the first page we suggested the offender would really need God's grace
to face the truth and come and ask for forgiveness.
Now we suggest that you, the offended, will need God's grace even more.
The
likelihood is that even as you look at the list, everything in you,
in the first instance, will scream "No!"
Please,
read through what follows carefully:
1.
I must confronted them.
Here
are some suggested guidelines:
a)
I am to do it gently.
How
would YOU like to be faced with your failures? I suspect the answer
is, gently.
b)
I am to remember I want to do everything to help them come into a good
place.
As
a Christian, and as you have read the first page, you realise that this
person has been missing the mark in life because they have an outstanding
unresolved issue with God. If we obey Jesus' command to love one another
(John
13:34), then however much this person has offended us, we must want
them to come to good with God. (You can hate what they did but
still look for their best - look on the "Knowing Love (2)"
page for an illustration of this.)
c)
I am to acknowledge any contribution I made to their sin, e.g. provoking
them.
It
is possible that when I look back on what happened, if I am honest about
it, then I can see that I contributed to the wrong. If we
are to act righteously before God, then we must be truthful. This
may also mean that I am to confess my own sin and ask their forgiveness
if necessary, and if I do this, I am to do it unconditionally, and it
is not to depend on how they respond to me!
Now
you can see why you will need God's grace to do this properly.
2.
I must make provision for them to be forgiven.
Again
here are some suggestions about this:
a)
I am to ensure MY attitude is right.
My
attitude has to be first godly and second righteous. I am to have one
eye on the wishes of my heavenly Father, and the other on ensuring that
I am acting in a way I know He would approve.
b)
I am not to be attacking but seeking reconciliation.
If
I go in on the attack, looking for revenge instead of seeking reconciliation,
then I am not genuinely looking for them to come to repentance so that
I can bring forgiveness.
c)
I should look for a good opportunity.
If
I come across the person and they are clearly stressed, then this is
unlikely to be a favourable time for them to come to repentance.
I know if it was me, being confronted when I am off guard and stressed
would make it very difficult to respond graciously and correctly - and
this is what we are desiring.
3.
I must be patient and wait until they come to repentance.
In
this instance, I need to think through the following:
a)
I need to recognise that I cannot force their repentance.
My
coming to this point is an act of God's grace. It will need to be the
same for them. This cannot be rushed and I may need to be patient.
b)
I must rest in God's love and let Him bring this repentance.
I
must trust that God wants us both to come into a right place with each
other and with Him, and that He will work to bring repentance in my
offender, if He has prompted me to this point of confrontation (2
Timothy 2:25). I may have to wait for a good conclusion,
and while waiting I must just ask for God's love and grace to handle
it well.
c)
I must recognise that I may have to leave them in God’s hands many years.
If
God has been patient with me, then I may have to wait many years to
hear or see a good conclusion to this, and it is possible that they
may never, to my knowledge, put it right. I may not be able
to pronounce forgiveness, but I must keep myself in a good attitude
by the grace of God.
4.
I must still love them while I wait.
This
is where it really gets difficult! This is why we said these pages
are for Christians. If you have never come into a relationship with
God through Christ, you will not be able to have the grace we've been
talking about when you've been hurt, abused, derided or whatever,
by your offender.
But
if we are a Christian, then Jesus' teaching must be taken seriously.
In Matthew
5:44 Jesus tells his followers to love their enemies and pray for
those who persecute them. Surely this must now include this person
who "offended" us and for whom we quite likely don't hold
good feelings! Somehow I need to get grace in this situation!
5.
I must forgave them when they repent.
If
I have been through the above stages honestly, and seeking God for His
grace, by the time we come to this stage it will be easy.
To
forgive means I declare it. To forgive means I never raise
it again
No
Repentance - No Forgiveness
To
forgive like God forgives, also means I do not forgive when there is
no repentance.
If
you have taken in what has been said above, you will begin to see that
for YOU this is not a big issue.
You
will have checked and corrected your attitude towards your Offender
before you get to the state of actual confrontation. You ARE wanting
them to accept your challenge and come to repentance so that you can
declare forgiveness, but once you have done that, you need
to leave them to God.
If
I have been through all the stages correctly and there is still no repentance
then I:
•
May simply state that I believe they have an outstanding issue with
God for which He holds them accountable. Difficult to
say graciously, but necessary.
•
Must hold a compassionate attitude while saying it and concluding
the contact. I must not lower my guard and lessen the quality
of my good attitude.
•
Seek to leave the door open, for them to be able to come back to me
at some future time. They may yet think it through and want to come
back to you. You must always have that possibility in mind.
And
So...
To
summarise, if we have been wronged by another, and we are a Christian,
then we will be looking to God for grace to deal with the situation
as the Bible shows it.
This
is NOT:
- to
ignore or forget the wrong.
- to
condone the wrong and say it's all right.
- to
look for revenge or judgement.
It
IS:
- to
look for the well-being of the Offender.
- to
look to bring them into a place where their wrong is dealt with according
to God's ways.
- to
look to bring complete reconciliation.
- to
seek to honour God at all times.
We
recognise that what we have on this page is difficult. In
fact without God's help, it is probably impossible. In the Christian
life many things are like this, and God allows them expressly to bring
us to the point where we realise we cannot get by without Him, for in
His presence is life and peace.
Can
we help?
Perhaps you feel you need to talk to someone about
these things. If that is so then the leaders of Rochford
Community Church are available to help you.
If
you want to make contact with Tony Thomas, one of the senior leaders
of Rochford Community Church then please use the e-mail address below.
Whatever you may wish to share, will be treated with complete confidentiality.
tony.thomas@rochfordcc.co.uk
We
recognise that the issues covered on this and the other pages
are not easy ones to deal with and often discussion, help and
counsel are helpful. To that end we can come and run a Course
covering these things to help people face these issues in a confidential
and non-threatening environment where they may ask questions and
gradually reach their own conclusions as to course of action to
be followed. If you represent a church or a group and wish to
avail yourselves of such a course, please contact Tony using the
e-mail address given. |
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