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Life Resources Back to Previous Contents Page   Marriage Breakup 8. Resources Used in Marriage Preparation    (iii) Love, Intimacy & Sex    A series that considers means of countering Divorce          Introducing this Page      This is the third of the pages showing some of the materials we use from time to time when preparing couples for marriage. This page now considers aspects of love and sex The number of marriage breakdowns in our Society seems to suggest few people understand what love means. The pages of 'agony aunt' columns seem to suggest many people actually know little about how sex works. We therefore include these resources which we hope some will find helpful. We repeat what we said on an earlier page, that because we have used these materials so for long, we have lost contact with their originators. We would very happily give credit for these materials, but in the present absence of that information, we simply give thanks for those who have provided these resources which have been of help to so many.      Contents of this Page 1. What is love? - A Helpful Description - Three Kinds of Love   2. Intimacy? - Dimensions to your Relationship - Ordering the Development of your Relationship    3. Sexual Intimacy - Straightening out wrong views about Biblical sex 4. Truths about Sex 1. Healthy Sex 2. Other Factors 3. Sexual Differences 4. Four Stages 5. What is Good Sex? 5. Twenty Misconceptions about Sex

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3. Sexual Intimacy         Because there are so often, misconceptions about the Christian view of sex, the following notes are written from a Christian standpoint, using the Bible as a background text book, but the points made will be equally useful for those without any faith.      Biblical Teaching on Sex        1. Marital Sex was designed by God (Gen 2:24-25)    “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh”   - note for this cause : to meet the man's need for company   - needs to be a leaving from the parents & a cleaving with partner     2. Marital Sex is designed to be wonderfully pleasurable (Prov 5:18,19)    “Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times. Be exhilarated always with her love”   - this is about physical enjoyment of each other     3. The sexual union distinguishes the marital relationship from all other relationships (Matt 19:6)    “Consequently they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate”   - one flesh denotes total unity and this means lifetime commitment      4. Marital Sex should be an active and vital part of every marriage (1 Cor 7:5)    “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of control.”   - the assumption is that sexual activity is regular in marriage   - if it's not then examine the reasons why not   - not to be seen as a proof text for women to “endure” sex        5. It is good to give and receive pleasure (1 Tim 4:3-4)    “Men who forbid marriage and advocate abstaining from foods, which God has created to be gratefully shared by those who believe and know the truth. For everything created by God is good and nothing is to be rejected, if it is received with gratitude”   - sex was created by God and pleasure was created by God   - within the marriage context it is good and pleasurable    6. Love and respect are essential to a healthy sex life (Eph 5:28-33)    “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just like Christ does the church, because we are members of His body. For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh..... This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church..... Nevertheless, let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.”   - love is at the heart of sex and so is respect   - the husband is to treat the wife as gently and carefully as he would treat himself, and in the same way that Christ treated the church    7. Separating from Parents is important to the bonding process (Eph 5:31)    “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”   - leaving is essential to let cleaving take place    8. Making love, and happiness in marriage, requires time and devotion (Deut 24:5)    “When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army, nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken.”   - it was recognised the marriage needs working at   - all details need working at and sex is no exception    9. The sexual relationship is only for married partners (Ex 20:14)    “You shall not commit adultery”   - monogamy was God's order although he tolerated David, Solomon etc.   - the ten commandments have not been revoked.    10. Men and women were uniquely created to meet special needs (Gen 2:18)    “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him”   - male & female were made to compliment each other   - their differences were purposeful, to bless each other   11. Sexual purity must be guarded (Heb 13:4)    “Let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed undefiled, for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”   - there is purity in God's purpose   - we must ensure it is adhered to.

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4. Truths about Sex         1. Healthy sex            Hormones are released by couples sharing in a mutually satisfying sexual relationship, that help fight depression and increase serotonin, thus helping the immune system and helping women with PMT         2. Other Factors          The sex drive is influenced by other than biological factors. In other words, a good sexual relationship is affected by:          a) Physical Wellness    - Physical heath does affect our sexual relationship    - It may be hindered by    - diabetes, infection or injury, hormone deficiencies    - drugs and alcohol, childbirth-related problems    - fatigue and stress, physical disabilities          b) Relational Wellness    - A good relationship with your partner is essential    - It may be hindered by:     - sex used as weapon to get back at spouse    - sex used as lever to get what you want from spouse    - anger/grudges, rejection of appearance    - unconscious disappointment, poor communication    - Conflicts in the marriage: money, in-laws & sex are the major 3  problems in marriages           c) Personal Wellness   - If we are a “whole person” we have a good chance of good sexual relationship   - It may be hindered by:     - sexual abuse     - misunderstanding of sexual function     - anxiety about physical appearance     - misconceptions about sexuality learned as a child         d) Spiritual Awareness   - A good relationship with God helps!   - It may be hindered by     - fear that sex is dirty     - misunderstanding of God's word        3. Sexual Differences   Men and women respond differently. Consider the following table:      MEN   WOMEN - usually one orgasm   - often capable of more than one orgasm - sex centred on pleasure   - sex centred on relationship - physical drive above emotional   - emotional drive above physical - fear sexual failure   - fear of being unwanted - reach orgasm quickly   - capable of orgasm in 10-15 minutes     4. Four Stages   Sexual excitement and release occurs in four predictable stages:         1. Desire     - Thinking & feeling, no bodily change     - Problems here are more often relational, not technique     - Those may be poor present relationships or past hurts    2. Excitement     - The body starts to change     - There is physical arousal     - Any problems may be relational or technique    3. Orgasm     - Here there is intense pleasure for short periods of time     - It needs patience, time, effort, communication to achieve     - The woman needs to feel secure     - Any problems may be technique    4. Resolution     - Return to unaroused state                  5. What is Good Sex?   Six characteristics for good sex are:          1. Realistic Expectations     - Understanding that sexuality is a journey     - Sometimes it will be good, but not always    2. Mutual Consent     - It should be agreed by both that they want it, need to communicate genuinely     - A need to agree on mutual pleasure    3. Romance     - This is needed, especially for the women (candles, bubble bath etc.)     - Romance should not be just in the bedroom     - Consider location, going away for special occasions    4. Fidelity     - A Christian imperative    5. Frequency     - Needs a sense of frequency    6. Communication     - It is essential to talk about desire & pleasure     -We need to share what we like etc.

  

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5. Twenty Common Misconceptions about Sex       1. Physical attractiveness increases sexual fulfilment      Society sells sex this way. However God's unique design of sex centres on love and oneness. Intense pleasure can be experienced by individuals regardless of how closely they fit society's “sexual” stereotypes of men and women.     2. We should have sex a certain number of times each week            Some couples think they should try to have sex a certain number of times per week. Some couples have sex more than once a day, while others enjoy sexual intimacy two or three times a week or even two or three times a month.  Don't judge your relationship by the frequency of sex alone.    3. Women should always have more than one orgasm                Women are capable of more than one orgasm, but it is not abnormal if she does not desire to have more than one. It is not the end of the end of the world is orgasm is unable to be reached.      4. Women should always have an orgasm during intercourse              Some theorists suggest that some women will never experience orgasm during intercourse unless there is a manual stimulation of the clitoris (the small pea shaped organ at the top of the vagina) at the same time. It is not unusual for a woman not to experience orgasm during intercourse because the clitoris is not always stimulated adequately. This is something to be talked about between the couple if there is a difficulty.       5. Mutual orgasm is the peak of sexual experience                  Mutual orgasm can be a fulfilling experience. But if you focus on it as the ultimate sexual experience, it can put a great deal of pressure on the individuals and diminish the spontaneity and focus on giving a receiving pleasure.    6. It is wrong to have sex during menstrual cycles.          This is a personal preference made by each individual couple. There may be truths that we do not yet understand in the Biblical suggestion that a woman should not be available during her period.    7. Postmenopausal women cannot have orgasms                  Women can have orgasms after menopause.    8. The sex drive diminishes after years of marriage          Certainly physical changes associated with ageing will affect the sexual relationship. However, sexual intimacy can remain a vital and active part of marriages at any passage.   9. Sex is designed for procreation             Sexuality is part of a growing marriage relationship and for pleasure as well as procreation.           10. A man should know when his wife has an orgasm             The physical signs of orgasm for women are not as obvious as for men. Women can signal or tell their husbands when they have an orgasm, but a man should not feel that he should know. A man should not make his wife's orgasm the judge of his sexual adequacy.         11. Occasional lack of erection or absence of orgasm signals a sexual dysfunction             Occasional sexual dysfunctions are just part of every marriage at some point. The couple should not be alarmed unless it becomes a consistent problem.            12. A woman should pretend to have an orgasm to protect a husband's feelings about himself.                   Dishonesty is never good, especially in the sexual relationship         13. Sex should focus on pleasure only.                 This is how the world views sex. In God's design for marital sex, there is pleasure and much more. The 'More' is the meaningful relationship the two share exclusively.     14. Couples who are married a number of years need props such as pornography to keep their sexual life vital.            In fact this can be dangerous to a relationship. When pleasure only is the focus, more props or more pornography will always be needed. This is the beginning of a sexual addiction.     15. My spouse should know how to please me sexually, without my needing to tell him/her.             God designed sex so that communication is essential to both partners being fulfilled. Talking and signalling each other is essential to learning how to love and please each other.     16. Sex should always be spontaneous to be good .           During some of the passages of marriage, because of children or jobs, you may need to plan ahead to have privacy and time to enjoy your sexual relationship.       17. Sex is intercourse                    Looks, thoughts, words, holding hands, hugging and kissing are each ways of expressing sexuality apart from intercourse.   18. Sexual fulfilment should be effortless            Work is part of developing a fulfilling sexual relationship. Communication, trial and error, time, and patience are important components to a satisfying sexual relationship.   19. Sexual Dysfunction is too private to talk to a counsellor about          The sexual relationship is very private. Sometimes couples can be stuck as to how to move forward in their sexual relationship. In these situations, talking with a trained counsellor can be very helpful to getting a marriage on the right track.        20. Sex is not very important in marriage             Sexuality is important at every passage of marriage and should be given thought, effort and priority in a healthy growing marriage.

    

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