1 Corinthians 12:12  "The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body."

 
rDivorce7
        Life Resources

 

Marriage Breakup


7. Resources Used in Marriage Preparation

  

(ii) Thinking about Ourselves

  

A series that considers means of countering Divorce

 

      

Introducing this Page   

 

This is the second of the pages showing some of the materials we use from time to time when preparing couples for marriage. This page now considers some of the things about us as couples entering into marriage.

If you have been together for some time but never went through anything like you'll find on these pages, then we suggest you might like to use some of the materials here as the basis for discussions you could have if you wanted to review the foundation of your marriage together.

 

  

Contents of this Page

1. Your Backgrounds

- Your past histories

- Hopes for the future

- What you bring of yourself to the relationship

 

2. Really getting to know you

- Questions to open up your past life.

  

3. The Decisions you make in your Relationship

- Your view of your roles

- The view of 'the woman's place'

- The view of 'the man's place'

- Some starter questions for discussion

- Criteria

 

 

 

1. Your Backgrounds

 

 

Elsewhere on these pages we have suggested that communication is vital to any relationship. Let's ask a simple question: How well do you know each other? 

If we were using the following as part of face to face marriage preparation, we would work through the following lists and use them as a basis for examining where you've each come from. You could use them to tell each other about yourself. You may be surprised with what comes out.

Please remember, this page is purely to promote discussion to enable you to get to know each other better. If one of your feels threatened by this, you need to talk about why that is.

Your past histories

•  Your types of upbringing

•  traditional / formal / relaxed

•  religious / Christian / no faith

•  secure / insecure

•  valued / demeaned

•  Parental roles

•  Father - dominant / subservient

•  Mother - dominant / subservient

•  Pains / Joys of youth

•  times of embarrassment

•  times of pure joy

•  Crisis points that affected you

•  deaths

•  accidents

•  other

•  Seasonal Highlights

•  Christmas - pleasure or pain

•  Easter - joy or guilt

•  Religious

•  Sunday School

•  strict rule keeping

•  church attendance

•  none

•  Holidays

•  times of pleasure

•  times of pain

 

 

Hopes for the Future

  

Here you can discuss

•  The hopes you have for yourself

•  the sort of person you hope you'll be as a spouse

•  the sort of role in life you hope you'll have

•  hopes for family versus career

•  The hopes you have for your partner

•  the sort of person you hope they'll be as a spouse

•  the sort of role in life you hope they'll have

•  hopes for family versus career

Obviously if you have been together for some time, you'll need to feel secure with each other, if you are able to honestly share the hopes you had when you came together.

Remember, this is for building, not for scoring off one another.

  

    

What you bring of yourself to the relationship

The person that is ‘you'.

 

Physically

•  health

•  general well being

•  things you enjoy doing physically

•  things you enjoy doing mentally

Emotionally

•  type of temperament

•  steady or up and down

Spiritually

•  my past experience

•  my present understanding

•  my future hope

Financially

 

•  what I have

•  what I earn

Career

•  experience

•  training

•  qualifications

•  future hopes

Remember, these are simply discussion headings, things for you to share with your partner so that they know you better.

 

  

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2. Really getting to know you

 

     Again, the following questions are those we sometimes use to help couples really start getting to know each other.

Why not run through the questions and ask yourself, do I know the answers my partner would give?  You'll realise how much you don't know about them.

Then get your partner to share their answers with you. Perhaps you're about to embark on a whole new level of understanding of each other.

The Questions:

What special memories do you have about your childhood?

  

How did you get along with both of your parents? What were they like?

  

What were your hurts and disappointments as a child?

  

What were your hobbies or favourite games?

  

What did you feel about your schooling?

  

Did you ever have any pets? What were they?

  

What did you dream about doing when you were older?

  

Did you enjoy being you when you were a child? Explain.

  

Did you enjoy being you when you were a teenager? Explain

  

What were (and are) your talents and special abilities?

  

What awards or achievements did you win?

  

Who were your close friends? Where are they today?

  

Describe the area where you grew up - people, neighbourhood etc.

  

What were you afraid of? Do you have any of those fears now?

  

How did you get along with brothers or sisters? If you had none which relatives were you closest to?

  

What parts of your childhood would you like to relive? Why?

  

What do you remember from your first day at school?

  

What have been your greatest disappointments? How did you handle them?

  

What was the birth order of your family? i.e. brothers / sisters

  

Did you have enough money in your youth?

  

What do you enjoy reading / watching on TV etc.

  

What jobs have you had so far in life?

  

What were (are) your ambitions?

    

What is your medical history? Have you had any serious illnesses etc.?

  

Name the five people who have had most influence on you so far in your life before meeting your partner.

  

Where would you like to live if you had free choice?

  

How do you feel about getting old?

 

  Is there anything else about your history you would like to talk about?

   

    

            

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3. The Decisions your make in your Relationship

     

 

Your View of Your Roles

       Life together is made up of an almost unlimited number of activities. Some of those activities will be shared, some performed by one partner and some by the other partner. Who does what in your marriage will vary from couple to couple and, quite probably over a period of time.

 

The View of “the Woman's Place” 

   

    Attitudes have changed tremendously in the past twenty five years, yet still there may be stereotyped ideas about the role of male and female. This doesn't matter if you both agree them and you are both happy in them, but that rarely is the case. Very often our view of these things will be determined by the way our own parents worked them out and already you will have briefly considered that. The view of the woman's role in the marriage can vary, so here are four suggested variations of perception of her role:     

 

a) Servant

      We may not like to express it like this but this was the woman's role many years ago. She had almost no rights in comparison to her husband who was the ‘bread winner' or money provider Her job was to look after the house, prepare meals, look after the children, do the shopping, washing and ironing, and be there to provide sexual pleasure for the husband.   

  

b) Supporter   

      Here the wife's rights have increased but the husband is still the chief provider and has more authority than the wife. She is a friend to her husband but her chief aim is to support him in his role. 

  

c) Junior Partner 

     Here the wife works outside the home for pay and her main aim is to improve the family's lifestyle. She has more rights than a non-working woman.

   

d) Equal Partner 

       Here wife and husband share equal rights and responsibilities

 

      The main point is not what they both DO but how they view it. The wife may see her role as a homemaker but that doesn't stop her being an equal partner as far as all attitudes and decisions are concerned.

 

The View of “the Man's Place” 

   

    It may be in some situations that the pendulum has swung so much in the opposite direction that the man now could hold positions a) to c) above.  If that is so, check it out, should it not be d)?

 

Some Starter Questions

  The following questions/statements are given for discussion purposes:

 

i) Decisions about who does what : True or False?

•  The wife should do the washing.
•  The husband should do the decorating.

   

•  The husband should put the rubbish bin out each week.
•  The husband should do the heavy gardening.
•  The wife should sew button back on shirts.
•  The husband should make sure all the bills are paid.
•  The husband should take the car to the garage for its MoT.
•  The wife should stay at home when there are children.
•  The wife should do the house cleaning.
•  The husband should men faulty electrical appliances.
•  The wife should choose when to start a family.
•  The wife should be the one who teaches values to the children.
•  The husband shouldn't go out with ‘the boys' leaving the wife in alone.

 

ii) Decision about buying things : True or False

•  The husband should choose his own car.
•  The wife should choose her own clothes.
•  The husband should choose his own clothes.
•  The wife should choose what food to buy.
•  The husband should choose where they go on annual holiday.
•  The wife should be able to spend the money she earns as she will.
•  The husband should be able to buy a new computer without asking his wife.
•  The wife should be able to make her own decisions about her career

 

Criteria?

  What sort of criteria would you want to use to help you both make decisions, for example in order to decide:

    

•  when to buy a new car

•  what to decorate the house

•  what sort of Hi-Fi to buy

•  what sort of holiday to go upon

•  what career moves to make

•  when to start a family

•  whether to have children

•  how to spend leisure time

 

      

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