1 Corinthians 12:12  "The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body."

 
rDivorce6
        Life Resources

 

Marriage Breakup


6. Resources Used in Marriage Preparation

  

(i) Thinking about Marriage

  

A series that considers means of countering Divorce

 

      

Introducing this Page   

 

The purpose of these next pages is to show you some of the materials we use from time to time when preparing couples for marriage. This first page simply considers some of the basics about marriage.

It may be that you have been together for some time but never went through anything like you'll find on these pages. The idea therefore is for you to look through these things and see if they can give you a 'refresher' on your marriage.

 

We have ommitted things from the course we normally use because some of them are clearly for couples who have only been together a short while, and others are things that really do need to be done face to face with a mentor/counsellor. Nevertheless we hope you may find some of these things helpful.

Unfortunately we have been using these resources for so long and in so varied ways and layouts, that we have lost contact with our original sources. If you recognise them, please accept our apologies and let us know and we will gratefully acknowledge original authorship. Our sources in the past have been many and varied and we are very grateful to all who have contributed in whatever way to these materials as we have used them and as they are now.

 

  

Contents of this Page

1. Why get Married

- Reasons for marriage you might not have thought about

- Death of a Marriage, article extracts

 

2. But why do we NEED to get married?

- Research and cohabitation

- What you need to get married

  

3. The Wedding or the Marriage?

- Preparing for the Wedding

- Preparing for the Marriage

- Preparing for the Divorce 

4. The Passages of Marriage

- What are the Passages of Marriage

- Phase 1 - Young Love

- Phase 2 - Realistic Love

- Phase 3 - Comfortable Love

- Phase 4 - Renewing Love

- Phase 5 - Transcendent Love

- Recap: Areas for Consideration in early years

 

 

1. Why get married

 

Perhaps you've never thought about that. Well here are some introductory thoughts:

There are good solid practical reasons for getting married:

 

  •   Marriage is a sign of intended commitment to one another, a sign which is a start at least, towards building something that will last and which will thus help avoid the enormous hurt and upset that takes place when there is a divorce.

 

  •   Marriage creates a secure long-term environment where:

             

  •   the two individuals can explore together who they are, so they come to see their uniqueness and individuality of ability and gifting which, submitted to the other, can bring about a unique unity as they develop and grow into maturity.  

             

 the needs of the two individuals

  •  to love and to be loved,
  •  for deep friendship,
  •  for sharing, for companionship,
  •  for sexual satisfaction,
  •  for children
  •  and to escape loneliness,

                             can be satisfied.  

           

  •  there is an opportunity for them both to learn the meaning of faithfulness and mutual fidelity as two entirely different individuals learn to live together and care for each other and cope with all the pressures and stresses of modern living, and thus develop and mature.

                       ........................................

 

The Death of the Family?

   

The following are extracts from the article by Celia Brayfield in The Times on Oct. 12 1998

 

Frightening Facts

    The facts about the British family are frightening. The highest divorce rate in Europe . A quarter of all families headed by lone parents. Two million children growing up in one-parent families. £400 million a year of public money is spent on legal aid in divorce cases.

 

Child-free versus Child-bound

     Married people are clearly not happy, especially men, who are going off marriage in a big way. Single people are not happy either.

 

Threats to the Existence of the Family

     Everyone agrees that the family is a complex issue and most agree on the three things which threaten its existence:

 

     The first is men: men behaving badly — but for good reasons. The commitment-phobic male, that women's magazine cliché, is a reality. Clare Hershman, an Islington counsellor, reports that her practice has been swamped by men in their late thirties or early forties trying to keep their girlfriends without having children. Men are increasingly unable to make the transition from lad to dad. The very simplest happy family material - kindness, tolerance, consistency, commitment - are interpreted as being stupid, soft, pathetic and boring. Instead, men seem able to think of children only in terms of money.

 

     The second great threat to the family is parenting panic, which affects both sexes, because raising a family is a vanishing skill. So many parents are ignorant of the most elementary techniques of nurturing children that some local authorities have pre-empted the Government and set up their own parenting classes.

 

     Finally, money. It is an undeniable fact that having children will seriously damage your wealth, particularly if you haven't got much in the first place.

The threats to the family are stubborn. They have already persisted long after they were first identified and will not be solved without the assertive and co-ordinated efforts of many people. We can't treat the family as a welfare issue, an equality issue, an employment issue, or a law and order issue. It's way bigger than that. Families make people. In a family, we express our love and care for one another, our interdependence and our instinct to cherish life. If the family breaks down, it will be because the majority of us can't find those feelings any more.

Get the picture?

 

  

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2. But why do we NEED to get married?

 

     

Above we saw some good reasons to get married, but couldn't those things apply to cohabitation? Why actually ‘get married' why not simply cohabit?

 

Well, modern research shows that cohabitation lacks the building blocks of marriage and so a couple simply living together are much more likely to break up than a married couple. Research in this country, in Europe and in North America comes up with the following conclusions:

 

•  Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage.

    

•  Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.

     

•  Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well-being than married couples, with mental health breakdowns being greater among the unmarried.

    

•  Those who cohabit are more likely to exhibit depression and drunkenness than married persons.

    

•  Married people tend to live longer and generally seem to need to make less use of health care services than singles.

    

•  Suicide rates seem higher for singles than for those married, especially among men.

 

And finally some quotes:

   

“No part of the unmarried population… describes itself as being so happy and contented with life as the married”

 

“Compared with married respondents and adjusted for duration and age differences, cohabitants are almost twice as likely to report that they have thought their relationship was in trouble over the past year.”

 

“Everything changes when you're married. Even though you've known someone for ten years, when you are (cohabiting) you always feel you could walk out any time. Once you're married, you don't feel that.”

       

So what do you need to get married ?

  There are some fairly obvious things you need if you are certain you want to get married:

 

1. A Desire to be with this other Person always

  •  You can't live without them
  •  You want to always be with them (why opt for less???)

  

2. You are willing to give up “Me first” to “You first”

  •  Marriage is two self-centred people learning to put the other person first
  •  Anything less is doomed to failure (but it is something to be learnt and it will take time!).
     

3. You are willing to live with the other person's ‘foibles'

   

  •   In this context ‘foibles' are anything that is different from you and are probably things that annoy or irritate you - don't expect to change them!

  

  •   They may change but it will be over time. In the meantime you've got to live with their squeezing the toothpaste in the middle or whatever else it is!

      

4. You are willing to become a learner

  •  You've never done this before (or if you have, you got it wrong, that's why you're trying it again).
  •  You'll need to learn how to live together once the initial glow has worn off, when you start taking each other for granted, when you are ill, when circumstances are difficult.

       

5. You are willing to learn to be fully open to one another

  •  At the moment you think you know about your partner, but it's only surface.
  •  Mental, emotional and physical health often depends on openness in a relationship, and so genuine communication is essential

         

6. You are willing to learn about the Resources that are available to help you

  •  On your own, with the pressures of modern life and modern thinking (at the beginning of the twenty first century), the odds are stacked against you.
  •  You will need to call on all the resources you can from time to time to help you withstand those pressures.

    

     

            

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3. The Wedding or the Marriage?

     

 

Preparing for the Wedding

 

It is natural when approaching a wedding to make lots of plans for the day. You find out where you can have the wedding, in a church or a registry office. You make enquiries about where to hold the reception. You may use a check sheet of things not to forget - but is that all it's about? Well, there is the honeymoon. Yes, and then what? Well we just get back on with living like we did before.

That, sadly, is how many people think. But it's not like that; something changes. 

 

  

Preparing for the Marriage

    

The Marriage is what follows the Wedding. The Wedding takes a day, a Marriage takes a lifetime. These resources help you consider the EVEN MORE IMPORTANT part of your life - the Marriage.

The Wedding day is important and before it happens most people think it is THE most important day of their life, but if you don't prepare for the days, weeks, months and years that will follow, you are in fact preparing for divorce!

    

 

Preparing for Divorce?

 

You may go into the marriage anticipating it will only last a short time, and you know something - it will!

If you just want to be together for a couple of years, you'd do better not get married! Most people don't think in advance about divorce, which is a shame, because if they did it might cut down the number that actually happen!  Here are the stages most people go through when a divorce occurs:

 

a) BREAKDOWN

•  The breakdown is gradual, as almost without noticing it you drift apart. You stop talking to each other, you stop sleeping together. You have rows - often. You switch off to one another. A dividing wall has come between you. Perhaps they have an affair.

     

b) SHOCK

•  You try to work it out, but can't. This leaves you in a state of shock. You find your mind starts wandering and becomes full of fear. You go on an emotional roller coaster. You worry, you sleep badly, and when you wake it's still there!

     

c) ANGER

•  Then suddenly comes anger. At the very thought of your partner this emotion wells up within you like a volcano. You imagine them coming back asking for forgiveness so that you can reject them and give them a taste of their own medicine. You dream of revenge and then subside into sadness and anxiety again.

     

d) PAIN

•  Following anger comes deep pain. You try to push it aside by filling your mind and your life with activity, but it is still there. You hurt. You feel rejected. You want to cry. You want to scream. Everything seems to drag despite you wanting to get it past. Solicitors only make it worse and you dread the visit to their offices.

      

e) HATRED

•  The anger and pain fester and hatred ferments just below the surface. If only you could get it over, but you can't. Your mind is filled with ways of punishing your partner for inflicting this on you. You can't remember what it was to be happy, without a care in the world - and it was all their fault! You hate them for the turmoil they have brought to you and to the children.

    

f) GRIEF

•  Exhaustion! It's tiring to fight and so you give up fighting. You've just got to survive now. You face the fact that the end of your marriage is coming, and as you do grief for its loss pours in. The pain includes the loss of what could have been.

 

g) ACCEPTANCE

•  It's happened. You have a new lifestyle. Because of the children you still have to see your ex-partner from time to time. You try to put a brave front on it. Just below the surface there is still acrimony, perhaps because you've become stuck at one of the earlier stages.

    

    

And So?

   

You don't want to go through all of this if you can possibly avoid it - it's not nice! Do not be conned by the easy way the media talks about it, the above is a realistic synopsis of a divorce!

 

How to avoid it? Well going through these pages carefully is a good start. Please don't treat them casually, don't do it just because your partner thought it was a good idea. Do it seriously because it may help you avoid a lot of pain and hurt in the year ahead.

 
 

      

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4. The Passages of Marriage

 

    

What are the Passages of Marriage?

    It is suggested that there are various passages or phases that all marriages pass through and that within these “passages” there are a number of tasks, which if faced and performed, will build a strong marriage. These should give you food for thought as you see where you are in life.

    

Phase One - “Young Love”

First couple of years of marriage where there's a sense of freshness and excitement

   

Required Tasks:

      

1. To be able to mould into one family (combining traditions)

      

•  bringing together your two backgrounds  

  

2. To overcome tendency to jockey for control (how to make decisions)  

  

•  learning to democratically make wise decisions together

  

3. To build a sexual union (a joint blessing, a life-long process)

  

•  working to achieve physical fulfilment for both of you

      

4. To make responsible choices (handling money, use of time etc.)

        

•  the nuts and bolts of daily living and using your resources
    

5. To deal with parents' incomplete passages (recognise their failures)

  

•  recognise and reject ways and ideas from the past that perhaps don't fit for you in your new family unit

       

   

Phase Two - “Realistic Love”

 

This tends to be between the 3rd and 10th years when the 'rose tinted glasses' come off.

 

Required Tasks:

    

1. Hang onto love after reality strikes (typically 7th year especially)

    

•  realisation that love is commitment not just a nice feeling

     

2. Recognise hidden contracts of your marriage (how I want things to be for you to meet my needs)

    

 •  face the fact that much of the time you want the marriage to give you a nice warm feeling

    

3. Write a new marriage contract (think through reality of what it takes for the marriage to work)

     

•  work through the fact that the marriage is for both of you to feel good

          

4. Child proofing your marriage (avoiding over-emphasising of parenting to the exclusion of the marriage)

        

•  with the arrival of children, bring balance to ensure neither of you is pushed out by the children and that you can together form a base for them.

 

Phase Three - “Comfortable Love”

11th to 25th years when settling but being challenged

Required Tasks:

1. Maintain individual as well as marriage identity (avoid loss of personal identity, possibly need to regain it)

2. Say the final good-byes (let go dreams that haven't materialised)

3. Overcome the now-or-never syndrome (face hidden contract and resolve personal desires)

4. Practise true forgiveness (let go feelings about partner's failures)

5. Accept the inevitable losses (declining health, parents' deaths etc.)

6. Help your adolescents become individuals (release them, listen to them, support them)

7. Maintain an intimate relationship (rekindle romance)

 

Passage Four - “Renewing Love”

26th to 35th years, where children have left home

Required Tasks:

1. Combat the crises of this passage (loss of loved ones etc.)

2. Establish intimacy (romance in being alone again)

3. Grieve the particular losses of this passage (grieving is important; need to face the losses openly)

    

 Phase Five - “Transcendent Love”

 36th year and thereafter, seeing reality and getting a good perspective, growing wisdom from the passing of years  

Required Tasks:

1. Prepare for retirement

2. Continue the process of receiving love

3. Really achieve a transcendent perspective (getting sense of eternity)

4. Accepting my one and only God-given life (face up to realities and responsibilities and failures), and prepare partner for loss and parting into eternity.

     

Recap: Areas for Consideration in early years

   

1. Combining traditions

   

•  This requires an awareness of where you have both come from (i.e. your background), the expectations you have because of that and then what you each bring to the marriage.

   

•  This is the largest part because it is the area that is potentially the most hazardous.

    

2. How to make decisions

    

•  This will start to be brought out in the first part as you face your past experiences and future expectations

   

•  We can also make suggestions to keep stress levels low

    

3. To build a sexual union

    

•  This will take time, experience and total honesty

    

•  Warning! past experience is no guide as to what might happen in the future because

  

•  the past may be bad / good 

   

•  you may be deceived about the past
  

•  you don't know the changes that may be forced upon you

      

4. Handling money, use of time etc.

    

•  This will start to be brought out in the first part as you face your past experiences and future expectations

          

5. To recognise past family inadequacies

         

•  This will start to be brought out in the first part as you face your past experiences and future expectations

    

 
 

       

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