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Life Resources Back to Previous Contents Page   Marriage Breakup 5. Third Party Involvement    A series that considers means of countering Divorce          Introducing this Page      The purpose of this page is simply to help clear the thinking of those who have found their partner has been unfaithful to them. With such potentially complex or complicated relationship issues, the notes on this page really do only seek to provide an introduction to help you start thinking through your situation. We hope in some small measure, if you are going through this at this time, you will find some help here.   You should note that there may be suggestions in one section that are equally applicable under one of the other headings, so do not be limited to one of the main headings (2 to 4).      Contents of this Page 1. The Possibilities 2. The One-Off Fling 2.1 Forgiveness 2.2 Rebuilding Trust 2.3 Reassessing your Relationship 3. The Affair that has not yet Separated You Both 3.1 To Confront or Not to Confront 3.2 Preparing to Confront 3.3 Confronting 3.4 Discussing 3.5 To Conclude 4. The Affair where they have left 4.1 Taking hold of yourself 4.2 Possibility 1 – they might return 4.3 Possibility 2 – they might not return 4.4 The ‘Open Door' Approach 5. When it's all over 6. A Special Word to Christians 6.1 Deception is the name of the game 6.2 God's grace is available 6.3 A Need to check out our heart 6.4 Take Time 7. A Final Review

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3. The Affair that has NOT yet Separated you both       Somehow you have found out. Maybe the signs were clearly there, maybe a mole in their workplace has told you. Here are some issues to consider:       3.1 To Confront or not to Confront?    A temptation you may have is to say nothing and do nothing. Your reasoning for this will be, “Well perhaps it will all fritter out. If I say nothing it may be better than if I confront and we separate.”     Senior international counsellors suggest if you decide NOT to confront you: a) are ratifying their bad behaviour and b) are giving opportunity for their relationship to deepen to a point of no return.                          i.e. confrontation is better that non-confrontation.          3.2 Preparing to Confront    Having decided that confrontation is necessary there are one or two issues you need to face:  Your natural tendency will be to be angry and hostile – you have been wronged!  However, an angry person  simply gives an excuse for the other to respond badly and  is always in a weak position       You need to decide before you do it:  if you have sufficient grace to take your partner back if they are willing to break it off and  will you therefore approach the confrontation calmly but firmly without letting natural emotions muddy the water and hinder possible reconciliation, and  are you willing to face weaknesses in your relationship, some of which may be down to you, in order to rebuild something better and stronger for the future, if that looks possible?         3.3 Confronting    Recognise that this is not going to be easy.  The likely responses will be: denial cold agreement anguished confession  The latter is the least likely.       Choose a time and place: this is difficult, you may have children around. Wait until they are out of the way. You want peace and quiet if possible.  Ask to talk. Sit down and simply state without emotion (if possible), “I know you are having an affair.” And wait.  Your partner may ask how you know, wanting perhaps to know if denial is possible. Tell them.           3.4 Discussing        The Basic Demand:   They may ask, “What do you want to do about it?”  Your answer needs to be quite clear: “I want you to break it off straight away. You are my husband/wife. I love you and I do not want to share you with anyone else. I want us to work at re-establishing our marriage and making it better than ever before.”    Note the components of that: 1. A requirement for it to end NOW. 2. A reminder of the fact of your marriage. 3. An affirmation of love 4. A recognition that we need to work better at what we had. Excuses: You may get the answer, “I can't do that.” Your guilty partner may well come up with a host of excuses which may include, “But I don't want to hurt him/her.” An answer is, “Well you are hurting me and you'll hurt the family if you continue this.” Another excuse could be, “Well I no longer love you.” An answer might be, “Are you willing to work at reviving that, because you have no guarantee you won't feel the same about them in a few years time?” (See also under 6.3 below)     Exclusion: There is no guarantee how this will go and you have to decide beforehand what you are prepared to do. Are you willing to let love be tough? i.e. are you willing, if he/she refuses to break if off, to demand that they move out of the home.   The purpose in doing this is: to convey the seriousness with which you view their activities a refusal to tolerate it and still act as his wife/ her husband, while they continue their illicit relationship.        The reality is likely that they will not wish to break off that relationship involvement until it becomes uncomfortable and so stressful that they begin to reconsider.    Pressing them to set up home elsewhere may help promote that.        Awareness: Much depends on the strength of your marriage. If the marriage is otherwise strong then research seems to suggest that couples can recover from such an infidelity without too much strain.  If the marriage is already under strain, then pushing your spouse/partner to leave, may simply be the thing that brings an end to your relationship.     If it is weak, you may wish to negotiate a renewing of your relationship with help from outside. It is always possible that everything is not wonderful between your partner and the third party, and they may be only too willing to bring that relationship to an end if there is hope of something better back at home.     The things working for you and against them leaving may be: they will have to give up a pleasant and familiar home and its facilities they will have to leave the family there will be financial repercussions which may go badly for them.    In reality, and given a little time to think about it, they may not wish to face any of those issues.        3.5 To Conclude       Relationships are not mechanical and therefore there are NO guarantees.  The variables for these situations are almost limitless, and so there is no fixed method.  Having said this, may we suggest the following: Approach your situation positively and with hope; it's worth fighting for. If you are someone who believes in prayer, then at every step, ask God for His help. If it is at all possible find a friend or a counsellor who you can talk to face to face, who will give you caring, unbiased advice.

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4. The Affair - where they have left.   This is the worst case scenario of where your partner has moved out. Contrary to many expectations this is not necessarily the end of your relationship and certainly not the end of your life!              4.1 Taking Hold of Yourself      Your partner having been the one who has left suggests various things:   you have been left and are alone,   you are probably feeling abandoned and down,   your frame of mind is likely to be very negative.    There is a need to take hold of the way you feel about the future:  you need to rationally consider the possibilities  you need to work on your frame of mind to achieve the best in the days ahead.  this is where the items of Parts 1-3 on Page 4 may be helpful, if not in the circumstances, painful.               4.2 Possibility 1 – They might return   The reality of this in such situations is always speculative  the fact that they have gone suggests a permanent parting,  yet the truth is that a return is always a possibility depending on the situation,      Accepting the latter possibility for the moment you need to consider:  is that something you would genuinely want to happen – because if it is not then that greatly reduces the likelihood of that possibility, and  are you prepared to act in such a way that the door back is clearly open?    In answering those two questions there are various factors that you need to think about:  do you consider you will love your partner and that love is sufficiently strong to hold you to your resolve?  are there children to consider and would reconciliation be the best things to serve their interests? (a genuine motivating factor perhaps to strengthen your resolve).  are you genuinely willing to take the difficult path of an ‘open door' policy (see below)?     4.3 Possibility 2 – They might not return   There is a need at this point to recognise the double thinking you may be struggling with.        Two opposite views are common: it is a relief that at last they have gone – often after a period of uncertainty or acrimony a sense of desperation at being left alone    There are also a variety of common emotions encountered by those going through the process of abandonment – anxiety, fear, guilt, shame – because of the combination of uncertainty about the future (“What will happen to me?”), often a sense of failure over the past (“Could I have done something to have avoided this?”), and a concern for what others might think about me now.      You will need help from a friend, pastor or counsellor, in resolving these emotions so that you can move on in your life.   If the circumstances are such that the die seems cast and the separation is certain and most unlikely to be salvaged through reconciliation, then there are two areas of practicality that need to be thought through:     What practical steps do I need to take to finalise this? – appointing a solicitor (UK) or lawyer (USA), separating bank accounts, credit cards etc. together with sorting out future details to do with the home, e.g. house insurances, paying regular bills, and so on. What do I need to do to re-establish my own independent life, what do I want to make of my own life now I appear to be independent.          In addition, if you are an abandoned mother, you will probably be left to explain what has happened to your children, and then arrange for their ongoing care without a father.    In all of these considerations you will need someone to act as a friend, confidante and carer. Do think about where or how you can be part of a social group that will understand what you are going through, and who can support and encourage you through it.            4.4 The ‘Open Door' Approach       In 4.2 above we considered the possibility that they might return.     The ‘Open Door' approach means doing as much as you can to keep channels open to your partner and not doing anything to confirm in their mind that they have done the right thing!    Some of the factors involved with whether that happens are likely to be:  how strong your relationship has been with your partner in the past – if it was good, it may have been a real tug for them to leave, and they may have doubts about it.  how easy you think it might be to restore something good from the past – as above.  how good life is with the other person – it may not be as wonderful as you think!  how much you think you can put in to trying to bring them back   Things you can do to seek to bring about restoration can be considered passive or active .    Passive things : These include simply being as nice and as charming and considerate as you possibly can be whenever you have any contact      Active things : These include looking for reasons to make contact, making contact and seeking to involve your partner in affairs of the family if at all possible – i.e. giving them opportunity to have interaction with you when you seek to bless them in whatever way you can.    Recognising that it is just possible that nothing will bring about their restoration, your intent using this policy is to (negatively) do nothing that might confirm in their minds the rightness of their actions and (positively) do anything you can to make them realise you are worth being with and they would be better off being back with you.

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5. When it's all over                You have done all you can to bring about reconciliation, but your partner will have none of it     They bring on divorce proceedings (where you are married) and then get married or just settle down, and then have a family, and the past is completely severed. There is no going back!    For you, at this point, the options are  DEATH or  RESURRECTION  Will you you see it as THE END or perhaps as an OPPORTUNITY FOR A NEW BEGINNING?    So, there are now two things you need to think about:  dealing with the past and  preparing for the future    Dealing with the past means receiving counsel to heal up past wounds and seek to ensure the past does not occur again.    Many couples going through divorce assume that they have survived and learned through it.    The truth is that this is often not so, and it take a counsellor to take you through the past to identify the things in you that might have contributed to the break-up, which you want dealt with the avoid them happening again.    Preparing for the Future means becoming aware of the possibilities that are open to you: possible freedom to do what you want if you are alone the influence you can have on bringing your children through to a good place as they grow up without there being ‘mixed messages' from competing partners the things you could do with your life with the freedom that is now yours.     Each of these things can be very positive despite the very negative time you have been through.

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6. A Special Word for Christians                     If you are a genuine Christian and you have a truly Biblical belief system then the following are some of the things you need to bear in mind :   6.1 Deception is the name of the game         Wherever there is infidelity, there is deception.    Deception in this case means the unfaithful partner has been led into the wrong belief that what they have done is justifiable. It isn't!     Even if the past relationship has been faulty, that is not a justification for committing adultery.           6.2 God's Grace is Available       God's grace is the divine ability given to us to cope.    He is there for you to help you both change if you read this before a separation takes place. There are counsellors available to help you receive God's grace.    If a separation has taken place and you are abandoned, He is there to support you, love you and care for you and help you through.     If you desire to restore your relationship and are open to change to help bring that about, He is there for you, because separation and divorce are second best to Him.     If there is absolutely no way to restore this relationship, if you feel you have failed or sinned, remember that's why Jesus died on the Cross – to take that failure and sin - and he doesn't write you off.         6.3 A Need to check out our Heart      Remember the heart is deceitful above all things (Jer 17:9) and self-justification and blaming others (see Gen 3:12 ,13) are classic excuses that aren't accepted by God.      If you have read Page 2, you will know that the only two reasons for divorce given by Jesus are that one party has already committed themselves to a path of sin (ongoing adultery), and the hardness of heart of the two partners.       In the absence of adultery, the refusal of one or both of you to receive counsel that restores and re-establishes the relationship (i.e. hardness of heart) is the only ground for your parting.   The excuse, “I no longer love you,” is built on a wrong understanding of what love is. The Greeks had at least three words which shed light on this:  eros – meaning erotic or sexual love. Most temptations in this area come in this area.      phileo – meaning friendship or brotherly love, or love that is sociable, a necessity for any long-term relationship, which is often missing from modern relationships    agape – meaning a commitment love, which is the main sort of love the New Testament speaks mostly about, the love of God for us, and the love we're called to have for one another.    In the forming of relationships, the wise order is first friendship, then commitment and finally physical.     In the case of affairs, it invariably has eros first, followed by phileo, and agape is so often completely missing, which is why divorces occur. On occasion there is phileo followed by eros, but again agape is invariably missing.     When God is involved or brought into your declining relationship, where there is first agape declared, simply because that is what God wants, He raises up afresh phileo and soon eros.     For re-establishing relationships, therefore, where that is possible, the order needs to be commitment, then friendship, and then physical. God's order with God's blessing on it.           6.4 Take Time         Absence of counsellors at the moment is not a reason – you can find them if you look. It may take time but time is not of the essence!     Hastiness of action is always a sign of a deceived heart. If you genuinely are open to bless God's heart by allowing Him to minister to you both and bring change, then do nothing out of haste.     If it is impossible for you to remain under the same roof as your partner, then until you can arrange for counsel (which may need to go on a long time) separation can sometimes be the most therapeutic course of action to give both parties time and space to re-evaluate their lives.    Whereas you may look at your present relationship and see no possibility of it ever changing, with God nothing is impossible (Lk 1:37 ). It may be you need to give Him time, and that may include while you are separated, but never under-estimate what God can do.     My own counsel where a couple are considering divorce is always do nothing hastily, and wait at least two years before you take legal action.      There is no doubt that God does bless second marriages, even after a bad or wrong separation, but that is simply a sign of God's grace, not His desired course of action.     His greater glory is obtained when we purpose to do all we can to be open to His grace to bring change and eventual restoration.

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7. A Final Review             Let's review what this page has been about:   1. The Possibilities – the likely possibilities when another is involved 2. The One-Off Fling – the one-off fall to a temptation 2.1 Forgiveness – where genuine contrition, a necessity to move on. 2.2 Rebuilding Trust – a recognition of what needs to be rebuilt. 2.3 Reassessing your Relationship – an opportunity of assessment and rebuilding.   3. The Affair that has not Separated You Both – your partner has not left. 3.1 To Confront or Not to Confront – decision making time! 3.2 Preparing to Confront – making yourself ready. 3.3 Confronting – ways to go about this. 3.4 Discussing – likely talk. 3.5 To Conclude – no guarantees but be positive. 4. The Affair where they have left 4.1 Taking hold of yourself – taking control of your mind. 4.2 Possibility 1 – they might return – questions to think about. 4.3 Possibility 2 – they might not return – actions to take. 4.4 The ‘Open Door' Approach – the courage to try winning them back. 5. When it's all over – dealing with the past, preparing for the future.   6. A Special Word to Christians – for those with Bible-based faith. 6.1 Deception is the name of the game – realise what is there in humans. 6.2 God's grace is available – realise what is there available from God. 6.3 A Need to check out our heart – beware deception and hardness in yourself. 6.4 Take Time – don't be hasty in anything you do. If you have right through the page, you are now in a position to go back over the section(s) that is applicable to your situation. Don't rush; do it thoughtfully (and prayerfully?). It will be challenging and it will be difficult, but not impossible.   The possibility of this page is that you do NOT need to be overrun by the circumstances, but you thoughtfully take hold of yourself and act with careful consideration to seek to achieve what you want to achieve.

    

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