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Life Resources Back to Previous Contents Page   Marriage Breakup 4. When all is not going well      A series that considers means of countering Divorce   Introducing this Page   This page provides suggestions for those whose marriages or partnerships are not going well, perhaps who have been considering separation or divorce, but who would just wonder if there is an alternative.   This is a positive page! But we may need to face a negative. This page is for those whose relationship has just been deteriorating, not for those for whom a third party has entered the relationship. That will be dealt with on Page 5.   Read right the way through this page and get an overview of what is being suggested, then you can go back and pick up on the parts that resonate with you. Warning! It's a big page with a lot of help on it, but you will find it worthwhile persevering with. Why not copy and paste it to your computer then you can read it at your leisure off-line.   Let's not play games. If your marriage or partnership has been going down hill for a long time, then it is likely to be really hard work to turn it round, and you may need outside help. This page can give you ideas and you could even share it with your partner. Because there is a lot here, we have inserted exercises for you to do at intervals. As suggested above, you may want to read through the page completely first and THEN go back over it doing the exercises to really take in what is being said.      Contents of this Page 1. Consider the Possibilities 1.1   Think Back 1.2   A Change of Mind (Includes supplement for Christians)    2. Check out the Past, Work on the Present 2.1   When did it start going wrong? 2.2   What can you do to bring change?    3. What's in Your Mind 3.1   Your Negative Mind 3.2   Countering General Negativity 3.3   Dealing with Past Hurts and Guilt 3.4   The Seesaw of Negative and Negative    4. What's in Their Mind 4.1   Realise you're on the Starting Grid 4.2   A Gentle Approach       5. Restoring the Basics of Relationships 5.1   Spending Time Together 5.2   Talking & Listening Together 5.3   Doing Things Together 5.4   Bringing Mutual Encouragement and Building One Another 5.5  Commitment to Make it Work    6. Beware the Affair 6.1   Facing the Threat 6.2   How Affairs Start 6.3   Modern Stimulating Factors 6.4   Mid-Life Crisis Phenomena 6.5   The Jaded Partnership Syndrome 6.6   Fight It! 6.7  The Alternative is not worth it    7. And So?

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3. What's in Your Mind   3.1 Your Negative Mind      Even as you have read so far, it is probable that you mind has been saying, “Yes but….”         That is perfectly normal for two reasons:           i) you have lived with a negative situation for quite a while, and your mind has almost certainly moved into negative mode; that's why we are coming straight back to the way you think, even though we touched it in 1.2 above.       ii) it is quite likely that you have a heap of negatives in your memory – times when it went wrong and you feel either guilty or hurt – and these will probably need dealing before you can really move ahead positively.         Exercise:  After reading this, sit quietly for a minute and let your mind wander back over your years together. See if you can see what your feelings are. Are they negative? Are there hurts that come to mind?  If there are, write them down somewhere where no one else will see them.   3.2 Countering General Negativity              Many of us have learned to live with a negative outlook and a negative way of thinking about ourselves.        If you are a Christian and feel negative about who you are, you probably need to go and read some of the chapters on “Creating a Secure Church – Book 1” elsewhere on this site.             It's time that you started thinking realistically and positively about yourself,  especially if life has told you negative things about you:          No you may not be another Einstein but there are lots of positive things about you – sit down with a friend one day and say, “I've got to do a positive exercise, can you tell me five positive things about me?” – and accept what they say!        Carry out a positive exercise for one day – find something simple but encouraging to say to as many people as you can that you meet – and then see how you feel at the end of the day.        Exercise:  DO the two positive exercises. Think of a friend who could act as an encourager to you. Ring them up and arrange a time when you can meet and do the exercise above.  To do the second exercise, start a journal (diary if you like) and at the beginning of the day when you are going to try this, write down what you feel about it. Then go through the day looking to speak positive things to all the people you meet and then at the end of the day, note down in your journal how you feel about the day. Repeat the exercise the next day.      3.3 Dealing with Past Hurts and Guilt         If you are a Christian you might want to carefully work your way through the section on “Forgiveness” elsewhere on this site. (CLICK HERE)          Dealing with Hurts:           Don't rush this. For the time being you are just going to have to accept that your partner said or did hurtful things. For the moment, don't expect them to face that.       Determine for the moment that you are going to put all your past hurts and grievances aside – there will come a time for them to be aired, but it's not until some way down the path.       If you are conscious of such things, times when words hurt, actions were insensitive,  simply write them on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope and write on it, “Things I will NOT refer to until the time is right” and  hide it away somewhere safe and  determine that you will not raise them until a point when you can both talk openly, secure in each other's love, caring for one another, not feeling defensive and not attacking.             Exercise:  You will need to read through the above paragraph several time before you really take in what it is saying. MAKE the determination referred to above. WRITE the list and seal it as suggested above. HIDE it away. MAKE the determination referred to again.        Dealing with Guilt:              We feel guilty when we have blown it with our partner and we haven't put it right with them.        This is going to take a lot of grace because:  you may still be thinking about the hurts you've received (and never received an apology for) and  you may also be feeling defensive about what you said or did, and so are justifying yourself – “Well, he/she asked for it, it was as much their fault as mine!” and  everything in you wants to get your pound of flesh and pay him/her back, and  they may not have a good track record of owning up themselves and saying sorry.  If you really want to be the agent of change in this relationship, then you are really going to have to put all those things aside for the moment.      Whether you are a Christian or not, can I recommend prayer at this point. You need help and God is good at giving it. If you never pray, it doesn't matter, God loves hearing from us, even if it is only once in a while (who knows, it could become a habit!)            Exercise:  You need to take on board the four reasons why it is suggested you will need grace. Go through them and be honest with yourself and acknowledge if they resonate with you. PUT them aside.    Now comes the tricky part, so let's consider it in stages:     i) Accept the fact that you got it wrong  Don't keep on trying to justify yourself, just accept the truth of what happened.  Don't let your pride spoil the possibilities here. ii) Tell your partner you are sorry  Choose a time when there is peace.  Gently raise the subject, perhaps with the following simple words: “You know I've been thinking about that time when I ……. I just want to say sorry. I was wrong and I shouldn't have said/done it.” iii) Don't expect a wonderful response  You may get it but don't expect it.  Why? Because although you've been thinking about it, they probably haven't and it may come as a bolt out of the blue.  If they agree you were stupid, don't bite back. Their time will come but it's not now! Just accept what they say without biting back in any way.  If they are negative, just reiterate where you are with a simple, “Well I am sorry” and leave it at that.       Let the fact that you've done the impossible get to them but don't try reinforcing it.  There are other things to do to help, but we'll deal with them later.  If you get a, “What's brought this on?” simply reply with a, “Well I've been thinking about us and I've been aware that I haven't been very good with my side of things.”  If you get a response of “Right!” then just leave it.         If it opens up the conversation to talk about your situation, then if you've taken on board everything on this page, you're ready to gently start a ball rolling that might lead to big changes.              3.4 The Seesaw of Negative and Negative                    It is quite possible that all the negatives in your mind are screaming out, “It's not possible! It won't work!”       Those are your emotions built on a lot of things you've wrongly been told about yourself or the painful things that have happened in the past.           These negatives could stop you acting. Don't let them.             Sometimes to overcome these negatives we need to put a load of other negatives on the other side of the scales, so to speak.        These negatives, to offset your negative responses to what you have had suggested to you here, are the negatives of what inaction might lead to.        If you don't do anything about your situation, it is quite likely to get worse, or if it doesn't, something or someone come across the path of you or your partner, that will wreck you and your marriage completely.      A weak relationship is prone to shipwreck.      If you haven't read it yet, go to Page 3, “The Pain of Divorce” and let that page really sink in. You really want to avoid that path at all costs.       Use all the negatives of that page to offset the negatives of your “I can't!” You can! And it's so much better to seek to rebuild while you can, before either apathy or hostility grow to a point of no return.      You CAN do these things. And if you fail on day 1, try again on day 10!

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4. What's in Their Mind      This is all about bringing about togetherness Why do we need to think about it? Because it's so much better if you can work at it together.        4.1 Realising you're on the Starting Grid.        This is you getting ready to launch off on a new venture.  Something on this page has given you a spark of hope.  This could be the beginning of a new day.    But you need to realise that you may be on the grid alone.      You've been thinking about it, you've come on to this site – they haven't yet!      This means you've got a head start but you need to let them catch up gently.       4.2 A Gentle Approach          Think about what you're going to say and when you're going to say it and why you're going to say it.    i) What are you going to say?     Whatever it is, you want to say it gently – you may scare the life out of your partner!  You may want to introduce it gently for the same reason.      You need to be able to say it in such a way that they don't feel you are accusing or blaming them – that will just put them on the defensive.  Don't be afraid to appear vulnerable – you are.      Don't be bold and brash – that will simply put them on the defensive.    YOU: Don't push, ask for permission to move ahead, “Would you mind if we talked about us?”  THEM:  “What do you want to talk about?”  YOU: “I've felt we've grown apart and I wondered if there was anything I could do about it?”          Exercise:  This stuff is difficult! The tendency of most of us is to just rush in without having prepared our minds, and then we wonder why our partner didn't respond in the favourable way we hoped. Check the above paragraph again. Consider the words - gently - not accusing - not blaming - appear vulnerable - don't be brash.          ii) When to say it     This is as important as what you say!       Choose a time when there are as few pressures as possible.  Choose a time, if possible, when neither of you are tired out.  Choose a time when your partner seems relaxed and at ease.  Chose a time when they not about to go out or under pressure to do something.         iii) Why are you saying it?      You have come to a point in life when:      you are tired of the way things have been  you would like to make an effort at bringing change  you want the two of you to come to one mind about bringing change  you feel you are ready to try to draw closer to your partner

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5. Restoring the Basics of Relationships                The following are some of the basics for any marriage/partnership relationship to work well. We are aware that couples that have gone into a partnership or marriage without any real preparation, may find some of the following challenging if not threatening.   The objective is not to make you feel your relationship is inadequate, but to set some goals whereby some of the basic building blocks of such relationships can be identified, thought about and worked on. There are, no doubt, many other things that could be added to this list, but we consider the following some of the key ones to ensure your future happiness. .             5.1 Spending time together       This is one of the most difficult when careers develop, children arrive etc.     Many couples live almost separate lives and then wonder why they are easily parted by others or by the storms of life.      It is vital to make some time together whenever you can in what are often busy life schedules         5.2 Talking & Listening Together     Communication is at the heart of a relationship!        Communication means:      we share our hearts and we are listened to (both of us!),      learning what not to say or do when our partner seeks to share something important to them, so that they can feel secure with us, able to say what they need to say without the fear of mockery or derision, or of being ignored,       showing that we are actively listening when our partner is seeking to share something important, by appropriate body language,       respecting our partners so that we do not seek to impose our views on them, but allow them to have their own views that may differ from ours,      allowing our partners to be themselves so that we do not try to change them but love and accept them as they are. (Such love will change them more than anything else.)       Why not see if you can have set agreed times when you sit down together and simply talk about the things you've been involved with in the day or the week.        If communication has not been a high point of your relationship, don't leap in with major contentious issues until you have got into the habit of regularly talking together about lesser issues.        When you do eventually get to a point of being able to talk about issues that one or both of you are sensitive about, go into them gently and without attack, perhaps setting ground rules (and these ARE IMPORTANT), for instance:       that you will seek to respect and only build one another, and not threaten or tear down one another    that either of you can opt out for ten minutes if you start feeling over emotional,      that perhaps one at a time you can share a point of view for say half a minute without interruption, and then listen quietly for half a minute (Passing a cushion back and forward is a good tactic – only the person with the cushion is allowed to speak – and you only keep it for the half minute)      the moment emotions rise you stop and both go away and think about why you think your view is more important than your partner's well-being.             5.3 Doing Things Together  This does not mean we have to have the same likes and dislikes or hobbies or sports, but that we simply make time to do things together that are mutually enjoyable.      If our partner would like us to join them in something we don't like doing, then perhaps doing it once a year or once every three months, or whatever other period you agree, becomes a special act of love that builds the relationship even more.                5.4 Bringing mutual encouragement and building one another up   If our primary objective is to look after, care for, build up, help, and encourage our partner then all of the rest of our actions will fall into line.            If this is our aim, then:             We will never say something hurtful to our partner!     We will always seek to be sensitive to our partners present needs.     We will, within the confines of family and work demands, always seek to be there for them.   5.5 Commitment to Make it Work  Research shows that couples who decide to make their marriage work, do in fact stay together with the most satisfying of relationships.        Couples who enter such a relationship with the idea that when problems arrive they will split, do split and remain immature individuals.          Marriage is a relationship that fosters maturity of the personality more than any other form of relationship, we believe, and for that reason, working out the things on this page actually develop character and maturity that help us weather all that life can bring us.

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6. Beware the Affair                6.1 Facing the Threat        We are assuming that because you have read this far, you join us in the desire to maintain faithfulness or fidelity in your relationship. There are likely to be two primary threats to your relationship:      <