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Marriage
Breakup
1. Read this First
A
series that considers means of countering Divorce
Contents
of this Page
1. What you'll find in these pages
2.
Why these pages
3. How to Use these Pages
1.
What you'll find in these pages
Note
1:
Names
throughout these pages have been changed to protect the privacy of those
involved.
Note
2:
You
will find the layout on these pages slightly different from what you may
be used to. Later down this page and on subsequent pages you will find
we use lots of bullet points. The idea is that we break up all we are
saying and ask you to check out each point, point by point. Everything
is significant, so try to take in as much as you can.
There is a lot of reading on these pages! However, we believe this
subject is so important that if you are wanting help you will be willing
to carefully think it through. Do persevere!
A
Preliminary Warning:
We hope you will find these pages helpful in looking at
the whole subject of marriage and divorce. We have tried to provide
plenty of suggestions which we hope you will find useful but we
cannot in any way be responsible for the outworking of your actions.
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Useful
suggestions, but it's
down
to you! |
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We're
here to help you
think
it through |
The purpose of these pages is to help you think through
issues. Some things in your life may be sufficiently complex that
really you need to go to a counsellor who can help you work through
those things gradually. The purpose of putting these pages on
the Internet is simply to provide a resource for all those thinking
about divorce, going through a divorce, or who have gone through
a divorce
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If you aren't concerned with how these
pages came about, simply use the next paragraph links – but if
you do you may miss some things you may find helpful.
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Use
the Content links
below
if you want. |
Contents
of the Pages on Divorce
The
contents of the following pages are as follows and you may click on the
headings to go directly to any particular page or go back to the Contents
Page and go from there.
1.
Introduction – Read this First - this page
2.
A Biblical View
1.
A Necessary Foundation
2.
What the Bible Says
3.
More General Issues
4.
Conclusions
3.
The Pain of Divorce
1.
A Wife's View
2.
A Child's View
3.
And So?
4.
When all is not going well
1.
Consider the Possibilities
2.
Check the Past, Work on the Present
3.
It's all in Your Mind
4.
It's all in Their Mind
5.
Things to Work on
6.
Beware the Affair
7.
And So
5.
Third Party Involvements
1.
The Possibilities
2.
The One-Off Fling
3.
The Affair that has not yet separated you both
4.
The Affair where they have left
5.
When it's all over
6.
A Special Word to Christians
7.
A Final Review
6.
Resources used in marriage Preparation:
(i) Thinking about Marriage
7.
Resources used in marriage Preparation:
(ii) Thinking about Ourselves
8.
Resources used in marriage Preparation:
(iii) Love, Intimacy & Sex
9.
To the Already Divorced
2.
Why these pages?
The
following will give you some background to how this site came into being
and will, we hope, help you catch a sense of where we are coming from
with it.
Divorce
is all about feelings.
These pages are about divorce and about separation. These
are emotionally charged subjects.
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The author of these pages is happily married and has been
so for over thirty years. We have three grown up children who are
also happily married. However, many years ago, before we actually
had any children, a strange incident took place which bears noting.
One morning I had a nightmare, a very clear and
very vivid nightmare! It was very simple: in it my wife Helen simply
turned round to me and said, “I'm leaving you and I'm going to America.”
I was utterly devastated! I woke up sobbing and without thinking
grabbed my sleeping wife by the arm, still sobbing.
She awoke and naturally asked, “Whatever's the matter.”
All I could utter in my desperation was, “You won't leave me, will
you?” Eventually she calmed me down and got me to explain
what I had dreamt and reassured me. I went off to work in a completely
disturbed frame of mind. |
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"Mary
has
left
me!" |
Possibly a mundane experience, from your point of view? Well it
didn't end there. At the time I worked in a large office block
in London and about half an hour after getting into the office,
a friend from another part of the building appeared at my desk
and said quietly, “Have you got a minute?”
When we found a quiet place out of earshot of the
others in the office, he sat down and then burst into tears and
cried, “Mary has left me. I got home last night and found a note.
I had no idea she was feeling this and I have no idea where she's
gone!” I found myself weeping with him and said, “Ken, I do actually
know how you feel” and I did!
We shared together and prayed together for six months
until, miraculously, his wife was restored to him after having
been enticed away by another.
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Since
that time I've become a pastor of a church and have encountered many people
who have been through separation and divorce and I've seen the hurt and
I understand – in a small measure – something of that. One of our ladies
who has been through divorce said to me gently, "Tony, you can never
know the pain that lasted weeks and months, by a dream." True,
but I have caught a glimpse and that has been sufficient to bring me to
tears.
Divorce
is also all about beliefs
I
was speaking in churches in America and found the whole question of divorce
coming to the fore as I was made aware of the background of many of those
whom I met, and the fact that, according to Internet statistics, the United
States is top of the lists for divorce rates in the world with the UK
being fourth in the world list.
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From a Christian standpoint these statistics are challenging,
not so much for the UK which no longer purports to be a Christian
nation, but certainly for the USA which still has a large percentage
of the population who feel that the USA is ‘God's country'.
The challenge comes with the verse of the
Bible that has God saying, “I hate divorce”. We will comment further
on that on another page, more appropriate for the Christian population
at large. Nevertheless the feeling has been there that an overtly
Christian site should step into this particular arena, especially
as in the Christian world there seems so much confusion and hurt.
Here it should be least! |
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Divorce
is all about people
To catch the heart of the author
of these pages you could go to other pages on the site, especially the
book, “Creating a Secure Church” where you will see our view summed up
as: we all get it wrong, but there are practical things we can do when
we realise the big picture – let's not blame, but look for answers that
work because they are the Designer's ways.
As a Christian leader of over twenty years
standing, I have been part of the Christian human experience while under
a spotlight that requires 'truth', which means I am not free to make excuses
either for myself of for others. Such a perspective humbles and brings
a realistic compassion to bear, which I hope you will find exhibited in
these pages and elsewhere throughout this site.
I have hesitated in writing these
pages because every time I think of someone I know who had been divorced,
I am so aware of their feelings that I have feared that I might write
something that may add to their hurts. Yet my hope is that in some small
way these pages might be of help to someone contemplating the possibility
of divorce, and that having read you may choose another path which will
bring a better outcome to all you are facing.
3.
How to Use these Pages?
Go
back to the Contents Page, or the links above, or use the links here,
and decide which page seems to apply most to you.
- If
you're concerned about your relationship and are worrying that you might
be moving towards a divorce - then go to Page
4
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If you have found out your partner is having an affair - go to
Page 5.
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If you want to know what the Bible teaches about Divorce - go
to Page 2
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If you want to break away from the popular idea that "divorce
is all right" - go to Page 3
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If you would like to review the whole idea of marriage by working
your way through Marriage Preparation materials - go to Page
6
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If you are feeling guilty because you've been through a divorce - go
to Page 9
If you want to e-mail us, it's tony.thomas@rochfordcc.co.uk
To
see the full range of resources on this site
CLICK HERE
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