|
The
Insecurity of Women in our Society |
I'd
like to provoke a revolution. Prior to the Summer holidays I was working
on an assessment of Richard Dawkins' book The God Delusion.
I believe the professional critics gave it rather a slating but what
a detailed look at what he had written left me with, was a feeling of
incredulity as to a) how he could have written what he wrote and b)
how so many people could have acclaimed it. My Summer reading has been
serious stuff, books on world-views and why we think as we do. An attempt
at a detective novel left me feeling frustrated. I had to get on with
the heavy stuff. The end result confirmed what these pages have so often
suggested before – that we live in a basically dishonest society that
is willing to shoot at Christians and Christian beliefs, more because
they stir up guilty consciences than because those beliefs are wrong.
I'd like to start a revolution of people who will dare to think and
dare to think honestly and without bias or prejudice!
I
came across an article in the papers this last week that suggested
that as a nation we're not doing badly. I wondered which world the
writer was living in. On these pages my intent is always to respond
to specific data which others in our society provide. We live in a
world of surveys and reports and research, some of which in the latter
case is a touch dubious. The more I read the more I find that not
everyone out there doing research is to be trusted, but that is symptomatic
of the world in which we live, I'm afraid.
I
won't bother to regale you with tales of ‘my Summer' – it's been a fairly
negative experience as far as the weather in the UK has been concerned.
However, I have been in the company of other people and as a people-observer
something struck me as never before. I have been in the company mostly
of couples (some singles and some families) and it was the women of
those couples who particularly struck me. There were obviously, as they
are generally in today's society, a number of couples who clearly lived
together and were not married. The survey statistics tell us that the
average cohabiting couple rarely stays together for any real length
of time. So, look around the room and see these couples, especially
the women without a ring on their finger. What does that tell you? It
tells me that if these people are aware of the trends of society, because
we're all part of it, these women in particular are feeling very insecure.
Why?
Because historically in our society, and it hasn't changed a lot,
the power base is with men and historically they have been the larger
earners and the more dominant, forceful figure and, so experience
tells us, are more likely to be the one who walks out of the relationship.
It will be the women who will be left wounded and wondering. If there
are children, more often than not it will be the woman who is left
to care for them. I think there is probably a case to be made for
women tending to be more sensitive and able to be more hurt by rejection
and, remember, every time a man walks out of the relationship that
is rejection. Amazingly there are stupid men leaving their partners
for much younger women, but it's the remaining, lonely, rejected woman
we're thinking of here.
It
seems to me that there are certain lies that our society is willing
to hold onto. The one that applies here is that women are tough and
women can handle break-ups and women are now totally independent sexually
and are therefore free to live how they will. Unfortunately, all my
psychology and counselling books tell me that we are made for relationships
– and stable ones at that – and that security is gained within such
relationships. Singleness can be very fulfilling but imposed singleness
that comes out of rejection is hurtful and not to be recommended. So,
OK, there are women who walk out on the relationship but they are the
minority, and, yes, there always have been bad marriage relationships
where there is abuse, but even there, it seems, many women prefer the
devil they know who abuses them (not to say it's right!) than leaving
him.
So
here we are, an emancipated, free-loving, mature, adult (and all the
other words that try to make it sound good) society which, I believe,
is full of hurting women, certainly more than any other time previously
in my lifetime at least. During the holiday, my wife and I, (married
34 years and almost feeling guilty about it) sat at table with two
charming couples. They may really be handling it well, or at least
have come to terms with it and decided they WILL cope with it, but
here was a cohabiting couple (the lady coming from a separation) and
a couple married a few years, at least one of whom came out of divorce.
So here are a variety of people coping with the pain of past relational
failures. Now some people might object to the word ‘failure' but that's
what it was; that's what it always is when a relationship fails, and
the couple are unable to resolve their differences so they can work
at a better relationship together in the future. (Incidentally the
figures suggest that the survival rate in new relationships involving
divorcees is not very good.)
So
check this out with me, will you. Here are the facts that our world
tells us about these things:
1.
Divorce hurts.
2.
Cohabitation frequently doesn't last very long.
3.
Individuals need a sense of belonging, of being loved and being cared
for, and security comes when there is a relationship involving those
things.
4.
Where a relationship is entered into, and it flounders the options are
a) end it or b) work at it.
5.
Ending it means pain and leaving issues unresolved, so that guilt, recriminations
and a general sense of failure are common.
6.
Men tend to be the main figures walking out of relationships and therefore
women tend to be the one who is left with a feeling of hurt, rejection
and isolation.
7.
We have a considerable number of cohabiting couples (with short relationship-life
expectancy therefore), and considerable numbers of single mothers or
women now on their own.
So,
to go back to my starting point, will we have the courage to face
the truth: this so-called sophisticated society of ours is in fact
a hurting society, and we're just tolerating it by our refusal to
accept these things and think about how it could be changed. It's
time for a revolution.
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