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Parenting

9. All about Listening and Talking

A series that helps parents raise their children

Introducing this Page

    

The purpose of this page is to pause up and think about the arts of ‘listening' and ‘talking'. You'll note we've separated them so that we focus on each. In marriages and in families where there is any breakdown in relationships, it almost always means two people have stopped communicating.  Lack of communication is one of the primary causes of relational breakdown.

 

So, although this may not be the first page you have jumped to in this series on parenting, it is absolutely vital to you as a parent, so please read it carefully and check yourself against what you find here. You may not be who you think you are!

 

Again the style of this page will be short paragraph or ‘bullet-point' style to separate out individual things for you to think about with plenty of white space around to make it easy to read. Each individual bit needs thinking about.

 

Contents:

 

1. The Art of Bad Communication

a) Bad Family Communication

b) Translating Bad Communication

c) Lessons to be Learned

2. Talkers and Listeners

a) Families Talk

b) Talking without Listening?

3. Learning to be a Talker

a) How to Switch People Off

b) Working at Being a Talker

c) Talking to Get behind the Barriers

4. Learning to Listen Beyond the Surface

a) Simple Basic Listening

b) Listening Beyond the Surface

c) Using Reflective Listening

5. Recap

 

 

 

 

1. Art of Bad Communication

  

  

 

a) Bad family Communication    Example 1: Frankie screams, “I hate you!” That's nasty communication. He also doesn't mean it, because in three minutes he'll have thrown his arms round mum and given her a big hug, as soon as his tantrum had died down!     Example 2: Mum calls from the kitchen to the family, “Come and sit up, I'm dishing up.” The kids know this means she's just getting stuff out of the oven and it will be at least five minutes before it's ready to be put on the table, so they carry on what they are doing for another four minutes. Mum is too busy to care.     Example 3: Dad warns little Danny, “If you go near that again, you're in big trouble!” Danny goes near ‘it' and Dad just shouts at him again and he gets away with it. Danny knows that ‘big trouble' is meaningless.    Example 4: Mary badgers her parents to take her to the Fair that is running locally throughout the coming week. Her parents (very busy people) promise to fit in some time somewhere in the week. As the week passes there just doesn't seem time and before they know what has happened, the Fair has gone, and Mary knows that yet again her parents' promise to make time means nothing.

  

b) Translating Bad Communication   Basic communication theory says, “Good communication takes place when the thoughts in the mind of person A are transmitted in such a way to person B, that person B has exactly the same understanding in their mind as person A.”   In its simplest form, Person A (Mum) says, “I bought a large apple for you this morning.” Person B (child) sees in their mind a juicy apple being got by Mum at the shop and it being handed over.” Simple!   But with social family dynamics (that's just how you and I respond to one another) it's much more complicated than this.   In Example 1 above, when Frankie shouts, “I hate you!” Mum knows that those are just words that Frankie is using to express an angry emotion and they mean little and will be gone in a few minutes. How does she know all this? She has watched Frankie since he was born and she knows what he thinks and feels, and knows that his “I hate you!” really means, “I am seriously upset with you at this moment, but not so upset that it won't be all gone in a few minutes time.” (NB. This isn't to say that she doesn't need to change that behaviour, but this is simply about the meaning of the communication.)   In Example 2, the kids have come to learn that Mum's words really mean, “Can you start thinking about getting ready to come to the table because the food will be ready in five minutes.” They have learned by experience that that is how it works.   In Example 3 , Danny has got away with it so many times, he knows that Dad really means, “If you do that again I'll get upset, but I really don't know how to handle you so you'll get away with it.” Again, Danny has learned this by experience. The words did not mean the same to him as they would to an unknowing outsider!   In Example 4 , Mary has a vague promise but vague promises in that family really mean, “Well not really darling, we're too busy for you, but we don't want to say that.”

    

  

c) The Lessons to be Learned   So often when people are talking about communication, the subject of ‘body language' crops up, but in the case of family dynamics, where situations are repeated again and again, yes, tone of voice and body language may be factors, but the biggest factor for translating the words is            what your child has learned about you by past experience!   i.e. your child responds to your words on the basis of what they have so far learned about you.   You do not kid your child!   So many families (and couples) play games with words and therefore                       the plea here is for honesty and transparency.   Please note that this is not the same as saying be harsh or abrupt. So in our Example 3 above, Danny's Dad doesn't need to say angrily, “I don't know what to do with you, you horrible little boy, and I feel like throttling you!” even if that it what he is feeling. The bad communication there simply indicates it is time for Dad to start learning parenting skills and applying some of the things on these pages.   In Example 4, Mary's parents don't have to snap at her, “Well quite honestly we're far too busy and too tired to go to the fair” even if that is the truth. In her case a more gentle explanation that is really honest about their situation would do more for their relationships, with an acknowledgement that they are looking to see how they can bring changes to their circumstances so this doesn't have to continue, but in the meantime how would she feel if they asked Aunty Jane to take her. Not a good situation but a more honest one that helps them face their situation.   Bad communication, therefore, so often tries to cover up other inadequacies. So, therefore, the request is not merely for honesty and transparency but the plea is for love and care that can own up to a less than perfect situation with a willingness to think about how to change it .   That is often at the heart of much faulty family communication.

  

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2. Talkers & Listeners

  

  

a) Families Talk!   We all talk, and some of us listen. Some people like to talk a lot and some like to talk a little. Some people like to listen a lot, and some people never seem to listen!   However, the reality is that: relationships are built by communication, which may comprise:    words of information - “Dinner will be ready soon.”  words of understanding – “I see that you don't like that.”  words with feeling – “I think that's wonderful!”  words that express understanding of feeling – “Oh, how terrible, you must feel awful!”                           and lots more.                Families that work, will be families that communicate.       A further reality is that your child develops with the use of communication.   It starts as soon as your baby is born. Talk to them and keep on talking to them. They learn from the gentle tone of your voice that your communication is good.   Soon they will start forming their own words, and language will start to be formed in them. A child who is talked to by their parents learns to converse, and a child who learns to converse, learns how to be part of the world outside, and from then on it all takes off.   Families who struggle with education are often families where there has been little communication within the family. Words are the building blocks that help towards creating a more secure future for many.   Children who talk are not merely those who expound their limited views, but are those who ask questions and constantly enlarge their horizons.   Let's accept that not all children will have this intellectual capability, but the capability for most can be enhanced by a growing vocabulary that comes from talking and listening.

       

  

b) Talking without Listening?   We've just said, families that work, will be families that communicate, but communication is a two-way thing; it is talking AND listening.   When you're not listened to! How do you feel when you are trying to share something important that has just happened to you and the person you are with seems distracted, fiddles with their clothes, keeps looking out the window, interrupts you and is clearly not listening? Not good!   When you have a problem, a family burden perhaps, what do you need? You need someone who will just listen to you. You may not be looking for answers from them but just having someone to whom you can unload, and who will listen, pay attention, and show care by being quiet while you talk, THAT is sometimes far more helpful than lots of well-meaning advice.   Please listen to me!                   If we feel that, how much more do you think our children feel it?      Illustration: I don't consider myself very good at social interaction – my wife is far better – but I have three grown up children who I love very much, and so on occasion they may ring up or just turn up and say, “Dad, can I have a word?” Now at family gatherings they are such a bright bunch that the verbal interaction is really ‘hot'. I feel sorry (and bad) for visitors if they are part of one of our family gatherings because of this. The two boys, and now my son-in-law (its tends to be the boys in these situations!) banter backwards and forwards and I've got to a point in life when I'm happy to just sit in the background and enjoy it as a spectator. But if they turn up and ask for my time, it doesn't matter what I'm doing, I'll try to put everything else aside to be with them and listen to them while they unburden themselves. I'll no doubt throw in the odd (hopefully helpful) comment, but most of the time I think the most important thing is to listen to them. They simply need to know there is an understanding ear available, and sometimes nothing more.   On Page 1 we considered the thought that parenting is for life.   Our children need to know that we are there to listen to them when they are:    babies making their first attempts to communicate,  toddlers who are starting to form and express ideas,  younger children who come home from school and want to tell about their successes,  older children who want to talk about difficulties at school or Club,  teens who just want to know you listen and understand,  your child (!!!) about to get married who needs to tell you how he/she appreciated you,  your son or daughter-in-law who wants to let you know you're about to become a grandparent,  your son or daughter who now runs a company who needs someone to listen to their fears of a possible insolvency that is likely to be coming,  your son or daughter whose own marriage is under stress who needs a non-judgemental ear into which to unload their guilt or sense of failure.   These are just a few of the times when parents need to be those who can listen without talking.   Remember, it COSTS to listen.   It costs  your time and  your desire to say your side                              - but it's worth it!

         

    

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3. Learning to be a Talker

  

   

a) How to Switch People Off    There are people who talk and everyone switches off. Some of those people are simply boring, but others switch people off because they constantly point back towards themselves.          A parent is constantly pointing towards their child, concerned for them.        There are other people who switch people off because they think they are always right and it comes over like that.    A parent needs a humility to be able to acknowledge that they get it wrong sometimes and to be able to say sorry.      There are people who never listen to people and are known to be like that and so they frequently are not listened to.     A parent needs to learn to listen as well as talk.

    

    

b) Working at Being a Talker   If we are to avoid the mistakes such as those above, then we need to think about and work at being a ‘good' talker with our children. You may think the contents of this section basic or trivial, but go through it and ask yourself, do I do this regularly with my child.   Already on previous pages there have been lots of things that involve talking with our children but let's identify specific things we can say to our children before we go on to the subject of Listening.         i) Asking Open Ended Questions  Questions can be a sign of showing interest in a person, inviting them to open up about themselves.     A closed question limits conversation, e.g. “Do you like cheese?” “No”. End!      An open question invites further comment, e.g. “What sorts of food do you like?” Longer response.      Open questions show that you are interested and are inviting your child to contribute things which you will listen to. (And do listen otherwise they will learn you aren't really interested despite your words!)   ii) Bringing Encouragement  Affirmation for no apparent reason boosts self-esteem, e.g. “You know, you are really great to have around!”      Everybody likes to hear that and if you love and care for your child and encourage them, that's the sort of child they will be.     That also invites them to ask, “Why?” Try not to give an answer that is Praise (see below, or Page 4) that is linked with an achievement, which then puts pressure on to be repeated. A nice answer is simply, “Because you're such a lovely person to be with, because you're so warm and friendly and kind and helpful.” Enough!      Encouragement is especially needed when your child has just failed at something or feels low. The encouragement that is needed here is something that picks your child up and reminds them they are really worth something, and that builds hope that they can try again and may eventually succeed.   iii) Giving Praise  As indicated above, praise is an accolade or acknowledgement for an achievement. Praise is worthwhile and good because it does acknowledge effort.  Yes your child is gifted with intelligence, but they put it to good use when they worked hard and achieved a high pass in the exam.  Yes, your child is naturally gifted with artistic ability but they put it to good use when they worked hard to produce that great collage.  Yes, your child is naturally gifted physically but they put it to good use when they trained hard and achieved success in athletics or sports, instead of becoming a couch potato.     Even if your child doesn't appear naturally gifted in any of these ways they still do things that merit praise, in fact for them success may come even harder and require even more effort than their gifted neighbours.      Praise is not so good for building self-esteem but it does act as a spur to our children to carry on seeking to achieve and develop, and that is good and healthy for most of them.   iv) Offering Advice/ Giving Help The giving of advice, I believe, waxes and wanes during the life of a child:  During their earliest years you give lots of advice, often in the form of instructions, e.g. “Take the fork in your left hand”  As they grow older your advice takes the form of, “Have you tried…..?”  In their teenage years many teenagers seem to want no advice and indeed reject any being offered, but this is simply them learning to develop their independence. (Thought: a baby spends its first years learning to control its body; a teenager spends it first teen years learning to control its mind and emotions)  In the years that follow, your child will pretend it doesn't need advice but may surreptitiously seek information from you on how you did things when you were their age.  The amount they come back to you for advice will be determined by the nature of the relationship you have with your child, and the type of child they are!  (Oh, bye the way, they will remain your ‘child' however old, however adult, and however mature they think they are. There are still as many years between you now as there were when they were born, and you are still their ‘parent'!)     Giving help is needed in large measure when they are small, continues through childhood, diminishes through teen years and then often starts again in the upper teen years and later (helping moving, lending tools, helping set up weddings, baby-sitting, and so on).     In the younger years, and indeed increasingly into the teens years, there is a tendency for parents to help with homework. May I make some suggestions about this as an ex-teacher:     Don't do your child's homework for them because it will simply encourage them to be lazy and they will not learn.      If you are up to doing their work (and some parents complain they can't keep up by the time the child is twelve!), if your child is struggling with understanding the work, don't use the homework problem to teach them but make up some similar problem and them get them to apply what you've taught them, to their own homework.     Where the work is to think through big issues, and you want to help them when they have asked for help, if you see the issues more clearly, use leading questions to lead them to find the ideas or answers themselves. Don't suggest the issues yourself, only the way to go about finding the issues. You want to help them to learn, not do it for them!     v) Saying Sorry  We have touched on this very briefly already on this page and a previous page, but the ability of you to be able to say sorry to your child when you have fallen short with them, goes a long way to teaching them to become secure enough to be able to say sorry themselves.      It is insecure people, people with low self-esteem, who find it difficult to face and acknowledge their shortcomings.     The younger the child is, the simpler the saying sorry needs to be and the shorter the explanation.      A teenager has the ability to hold a grudge for an injustice (as they perceive it perhaps) and they will only be satisfied when you say sorry and clearly indicate you understand completely what you said or did wrong, and are contrite about it! (But it's a good lesson about humility for you!)   vi) Giving Thanks This may sound so mundane and to not be worth mentioning but a child who is never thanked and doesn't learn to say thank you, grows up taking life for granted and never appreciates fully the wonder of life around them.     Appreciation of what we have or are given should create thankfulness in us. It is only when our life or the life of our child is seriously threatened, do we truly appreciate the value of this life.     It's a shame if we need to have a crisis to teach us to teach our children to be thankful people.     Thankful children are nice to be with – and they enjoy and appreciate life more!

   

  

c) Talking to get behind the Barriers   There are two specific times when we need to try to get behind the barriers our children may sometimes put up:  when they have done wrong, or there is a conflict and they are defensive, and       when they have shared their feelings and have made themselves feel vulnerable (see below under ‘Listening')     At such times you want to:     speak with respect and  convey your feelings in a way they will accept.     Their defensiveness will only be increased when we:  directly confront the problem by putting the onus on them, and  maintain a “I'm right and you're wrong” attitude.               To overcome this we can adopt the use if “I-Messages”   There are three parts to an “I-Message”    •  “When” – citing their behaviour •  “I feel” – explaining what you feel •  “Because” – explaining why you feel it.   Example 1: “ When you come in late without warning us , I feel worried because I don't know if something has happened to you.”   Example 2: “ When you leave your all the dishes in the sink , I feel very unhappy because it means you're not taking your part in the life of the family.”   Example 3 (True story, made up name, words approximate – it was some time ago!): One of the women on a training course I was on recounted the following week how she had gone home after we had been doing “I-Messages” and on the Saturday afternoon went upstairs to find her fifteen year old daughter and two friends experimenting with makeup in the basin in the bathroom – which was an absolute mess. Instead of her usual tirade about untidiness, she simply said, “Oh Jeanie, when I find you've messed the bathroom, it makes me so sad because I'll then have to stop preparing dinner to clear up, and make us all late.” and then simply went back downstairs. Her husband who was in the vicinity heard one of the friends say to Jeanie, “Wow, isn't your Mum cool, I wish I had a Mum like that!” – and I believe they then cleaned the basin!   Try it, see how it works out, you may be very pleasantly surprised.

      

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4. Learning to Listen Beyond the Surface

 

  We've already thought about bad listening and so now we want to consider:

•  simple basic listening, and
•  listening beyond the surface.

 

a) Simple Basic Listening      This is a case of reiterating what we have said in various sections above.     It is frustrating and annoying when we try to communicate with people and they obviously don't listen.              Listening therefore means paying attention to your child, and being seen to do so.          You can indicate your attentiveness by: using ‘acknowledging' words: yes, right, OK, I understand, and so on by your body language, looking at them from time to time, or maintaining constant eye contact.                  Listening also means taking in what your child is saying .      Your child will see through you if they ask you a question about what they've said and you don't know what they had said because your mind wandered.          Simple basic listening means that you are communicating to your child that they are important and worthy of your attention. Thus you build your relationship and their self-esteem.

 

b) Listening Beyond the Surface  Here you seek to hear beyond the words to the feelings.     If you:  recognise and understand your child's feelings,  and let them know that, that helps them think about what they are feeling and why, as well as appreciating your empathy.       Notice the two parts: first you consider what the feeling is that is being conveyed, and then second you reflect back in words what you sense why they might be feeling that.

    

    

EXERCISES The following are two stages of exercise that are used to teach listening skills:   Level 1: Simple listening. Find a couple of friends who will do this with you. Each time you do it, one person will be the Observer/Time-Keeper, another will be the Starter, and the other the Follower.  To start off the dialogue, the Starter takes one view of any random slightly contentious subject (or simply their life story perhaps if you want to make it easy) and speaks on it for 30 seconds, and is stopped at that point by the Time-Keeper.     The Follower has up to 20 seconds to first of all reflect back the gist of what the Starter had said before moving on to do 30 seconds of their viewpoint. They may do this by starting their time with the phrase, “I hear you saying…..” and then do their 20 second reflection of the key points the other person covered.      The Starter then has to do exactly the same and so they alternate until the Observer stops them.      The crucial point in the exercise is reflecting back that you have heard and understood the other person's point of view BEFORE carrying on with your side of the argument. If one ‘player' fails to do that, the Observer stops them and makes them go back and think what they heard and then reflect it (if they can!)   If you have never done this exercise before you may think it sound easy – until you try it, and then you realise how much we are thinking our own thoughts rather than listening to the person before us. Level 2: Catching the Emotion To be really effective, this requires rather more preparation by the Starter and the role of the Follower is that of Listener-Counsellor, who has to be pick up the feelings of what is being shared. The same sort of approach as in the Simple Listening Exercise is used but slightly different:   The Starter thinks of a case situation where they act out the role of someone who has been through a varied set of difficult circumstances, and also thinks what varied emotions they want to convey (without saying the words of those emotions).    The Starter then has 30 seconds to set the scene of their imaginary circumstances and start conveying an overall sense of what they feel about it.       When the Starter is stopped by the Time-Keeper, the Follower has up to 20 (30 if needed) seconds to convey the feeling they were picking up, e.g. “That must have been very trying for you, I would think. Indeed if I were in your shoes I would be feeling very frustrated and angry about it.”     When the Follower stops, the Starter can acknowledge agreement or disagreement with the diagnosis and then continue telling the multi-faceted story, taking up to a maximum of 30 seconds.     And so it continues until they agree to stop it (which is often fairly soon because initially such exercises can be quite tiring!)     The point to be emphasised here is that they are to catch the FEELINGS being conveyed

     

c) Using Reflective Listening   You will use reflective listening with your child when:  they convey strong feelings by raised voice, strong language or actions, or     you sense they are holding back some hidden feelings, or     you have to say ‘no' in a difficult circumstances where you know they will be upset, or     when you simply know they are going through trying circumstances and are giving some of the signs noted below.   When you use reflective listening:  don't make it clinical or artificial, but be natural – you can simply ask, “What are you feeling about that?” but that isn't you letting them know you understand, but it is a start toward them thinking about what they are feeling.