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8. The Details of Discipline

A series that helps parents raise their children

Introducing this Page

    

The purpose of this page is to consider how to remedy misbehaviour, i.e. what you do when it happens. However you need to be warned we are going to look at different schools of psychology to determine both causes of misbehaviour and how we may address it.

 

Don't be put off by the talk of psychology; it just explains behaviour! So all we're going to do is try to explain WHY our children misbehave as a means of assessing how we should respond to them. We will suggest a variety of means of bringing remedial discipline, but please do read the early sections which we have sought to make as simple as possible. There is a lot to read though!

 

Again with all these pages the style of this page will be short paragraph or ‘bullet-point' style to separate out individual things for you to think about with plenty of white space around to make it easy to read. Each individual bit needs thinking about.

 

Contents:

 

1. The Psychology of Misbehaviour

a) How YOU view it

b) The Desire to Belong

c) The Rewards of Good Behaviour

d) Learning from each School

2. The Mistaken Goals that produce Misbehaviour

a) To Get Attention

b) To Exert Power

c) To Get Revenge

d) To Express Inadequacy

    

3. Other Considerations

a) The Other Side of the Coin

b) Requirements for this to Work

c) Is this all there is?

d) Look again at your child

4. Specific Techniques for Discipline

a) Understand what we're doing

b) Dealing with Younger Children

c) Dealing with Older Children

5. To Smack or Not to Smack

a) The Background to my Comments

b) Some Parents Will Smack

c) Some Parents Remain in Fear and Chaos

d) The Illogical Nature of Opposition to Smacking

e) Ground Rules for Smacking

f) Personal Testimony

6. Recap

 

 

1. The Psychology of Misbehaviour

  

  

 

a) How YOU view it   Essentially there must be only a limited number of ways that you will view the misbehaviour of your child. The following are some of the main likely views:        i) A random response to circumstances, for which there is no meaning  Well if you do believe this the situation is hopeless and stop reading now!          ii) My child is determined by their genes and by circumstances and are fixed in their outcomes  Genes suggest a tendency towards a certain behaviour, but only a tendency.  Fixed outcomes suggest no free will, yet everything else we do suggests we do have genuine choices. You and your children can make choices!               iii) My child is a selfish little sinner who is out to get his own way  If you think like this you will be on a constant war footing!  Such a view probably promotes bad behaviour rather than merely explain it!              iv) There are reasons for my child's misbehaviour  We need to think behind the outward action to understand the motivation for it.  Understanding motivation leads to a way of properly responding to it.     If we subscribe to idea that there are reasons behind a child's misbehaviour (which is a most likely workable approach) then we have the question, how do we find out such reasons?

  

b) The Desire to Belong   A currently high profile answer to this came from the work of Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs, who worked with Alfred Adler, one of the really early pioneering psychologists, from which you may hear of Adlerian Theories.     Adler emphasised the social basis of human behaviour, suggesting we all want to belong and be accepted. Now this, of course, is something we have emphasised on the page on Self-Esteem.   Classic examples of this are the desires of your child to belong to a Club, or a gang, and when they become a teenager, to be accepted by their particular ‘peer group'.   Your child, as a baby will, hopefully, be brought up by you in an environment of loving care. In this environment they will know they are loved, are accepted and belong.      However because we (and they) are imperfect, there will be times when, because of the pressures on our lives, they may question that.        Dreikurs suggested that misbehaviour occurred when a child pursues one or more of four mistaken goals of behaviour:  the need to get attention  the need to exert power  the need to get revenge  the need to express inadequacy   Others have suggested adding to those excitement, peer acceptance and superiority.   Christians suggest that each of these ‘mistaken' goals are in fact bad responses that come under that all-embracing term ‘sin' that the Bible speaks about, the propensity to be self-centred. While we believe that is true, that is not to say that we cannot help our children understand themselves, and change our own responses to them to help them. The understanding Christian knows that we are a combination of such a self-centred propensity together with an ability to do and achieve great things, and our part is to encourage our children to move more from the one to the other.

    

  

c) The Rewards of Good Behaviour   Although we are going to focus on Dreikurs four mistaken goals in a moment, we should also mention another school of psychology, the behaviourists.   Behaviourists basically maintain that living creatures respond to pain or pleasure and therefore:   negative behaviour can be discouraged by unpleasant consequences, and     good behaviour can be reinforced by the rewards of encouragement and praise                  which go right back to Pavlov and his rats. (If you don't know about him, don't worry!)   Behaviourists will indeed start by looking at the cause of the behaviour, the stimulus that sparked off the misbehaviour, and may suggest that not only does a certain sort of pleasure (the consequence) cause the misbehaviour to be repeated and continued so that needs addressing, but also if you change or remove the originating stimulus or cause that provoked it, this also will change the behaviour.     Put simply, to change the misbehaviour:     see what triggered it (the cause) and see if that can be changed and      see what pleasure your child gets from it (the consequence) and see if that can be changed.

 

 

d) Learning from Both Schools   We will see that, in fact, most successful parents use a combination of both approaches although, we suggest, the former approach has most to offer us as we continue to think through misbehaviour.

 

  

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2. The Mistaken Goals that Produce Misbehaviour

  

  

   

     Let's consider Dreikurs' four mistaken goals one by one:

a) To Get Attention  Wrong view: I need to get constant attention to feel worthwhile    Reason: child has been ignored by one or both parents, i.e. they think, “If I didn't get their attention by good behaviour I'll try bad.”       Identified by parent: when the parent feels annoyed or irritated.      Balance: All children need attention, but not all the time.      Remedies: NOT to continue to ignore the behaviour, which only reinforces the belief. Talk to your child and explain that you love them and the fact that sometimes you have to give attention to someone or something else, doesn't diminish that love. Make time to give special attention to your child when they are not expecting it – so it conveys your love but doesn't link it to their misbehaviour. Be purposeful with the attention you give them so that they do things on their own some of the time and learn to become self-reliant. Work on reinforcing their self-esteem.   Illustration: Jenny's parents were going through a difficult financial time. Jenny's mum also had to go into hospital for ten days. While she was in there, Dad found Jenny being around him all the time when he was at home. When Mum returned home Jenny was equally clinging to her. One afternoon Mum sat down and talked with Jenny about the difficulties they had been having and reassured her that it was all working out now, especially as she was well on the way to recovery after her operation. She and Jenny planned a couple of shopping trips together. For Jenny it had not only been the sense of being ignored but also the fear of losing her mother.

       

  

b) To Exert Power    Wrong view: I am important if I can make you do what I want      Reason: child has been demeaned by one or both parents i.e. they think, “I'm not to let this continue. I'm going to be boss, I'm going to take charge!”     Identified by parent : when the parent feel angry, fights or gives in.     Balance : a sense of empowerment is a step towards independence which is good, but if that power is being used as a tool to redress a wrong balance, that is not good.      Remedies : NOT to enter into a power struggle but to break into the behaviour cycle somehow with something that acts as a distraction Talk to your child and see if you can get them to share what they feel is behind their behaviour – see later pages on ‘Talking'. Use choices and consequences – see Page 7.   Illustration: Alan's parents were going through a trying time coping with the possibility of Alan's Dad being made redundant and struggling to cope with Alan's Grandma being diagnosed with cancer. As a result of this both parents had been rather snappy and short-tempered with Alan and on one occasion Dad had snapped at him, “For goodness sake, Alan, grow up, act your age!” Alan's response had to been to start to ‘not hear' instructions or ‘forget' what he was asked to do. Eventually Mum had started bribing him with increased pocket money to do things around the house. Alan had felt put down and saw no likelihood of change and so had decided to rule his own little world by ignoring his parents' demands. Although both of them resisted his activity, Mum eventually caved in with the pocket money inducement. It wasn't until both parents realised what had been happening that they sat down with Alan and shared with him all that had been going on and said sorry for being inattentive and snappy. Alan changed.

       

      

c) To Get Revenge     Wrong view: I'll get my own back on you for hurting me.    Reason: child has been hurt by one or both parents i.e. they think, “If you've hurt me, I'll hurt you. I'll get my own back on you!”      Identified by parent : when the parent feels hurt and wants to get back at the child.      Balance : facing up to injustices is good but there are right ways to do it.     Remedies : NOT to retaliate for that only shows your child they have achieved what they set out to do. Talk to your child using “I” language – see page on Talking. Work at building trust and respect in you both             Illustration: Denise's parents have just had another baby girl. At seven Denise had had life all her own way until the baby came along. Suddenly Denise feels she is being ignored and starts acting up. Her Dad tells her to cut it out or she'll be in big trouble. One evening Denise purposefully delays coming home straight after an after-school club and Mum worries. When Denise does eventually get home her mum scolds her for being late. Denise screams, “So what do you care? I'm no longer a member of this family. I hate you!” and flounces up to her bedroom where she slams and locks the door. Denise was hurt by apparently being unloved by her Mum who was rather taken up with caring for the new baby, and had not involved Denise in its arrival and care. She had determined to get her revenge by staying out late and making her Mum worried and when confronted, poured out even more revenge with the words of hostile rejection. Fortunately after the last episode Mum and Dad sat down and talked about and realised what must have been going on in Denise's mind. One Saturday afternoon, Dad asked Denise if she would like to go down to the shops with him, and on the way he nudged her into talking about what she had been feeling. When they arrived home it was all poured out and Mum threw her arms around Denise and said she was so sorry that Denise had felt left out and immediately the two began planning how Denise could be involved in doing small things to help with her little sister – as well as planning one or two things she and Mum could do together while Dad baby-sat.

      

    

d) To Express Inadequacy        Wrong view: I'm worthless, I'm useless     Reason: happens when older children particularly feel overly discouraged by failure and no one appearing to be there for them. (NB. Of the four goals this one is almost not misbehaviour but more simply a behaviour that somehow needs remedying.)     Identified by parent : when the parent feels discouraged and wants to give up on the child.     Balance : we're all prone to failure but life is about learning to overcome it together.     Remedies : NOT to give up on your child Avoid criticism and look for legitimate reasons to compliment your child. Encourage your child whenever possible. Look for the positives in their life. Work on single issues together.       Illustration: Jack was doing badly at school in all subjects. He was totally discouraged. In talking with him it was found that in English he particularly struggled and didn't get on with that subject teacher. Some private English coaching was laid on for Jack until he became much more confident in it. In that class at school he did well in his end of year tests. What was also interesting was that he improved in ALL his other subjects as well. The one discouragement had pulled him down across the board. The one improvement so boosted his confidence that it made him feel more self assured across the board.

    

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3. Other Considerations

  

   

a) The Other Side of the Coin        Whenever we identify a negative behaviour goal we tend to see it just like that – negative!   However for each one there is something positive, so consider these:   Attention getting – child wants involvement – involve them in helping in simple things in the home.   Exerting Power – child wants to make their own decisions – give opportunities to make choices and make decisions so that this will slowly develop responsibility and independence.   Revenge – child wants fairness and justice – teach justice and what is fair, and how to cope when life doesn't always appear fair.   Inadequacy – inadequacy recognises that ability is possible, even if at the moment it doesn't seem so – so encourage goals and targets that are achievable to overcome future fears of life's obstacles which can be overcome.   NB. These “other side of the coin” things are not made up to make you feel good about your child's mistaken goals, but they are genuine building blocks for a better future.

    

    

b) Requirements for this to Work       To be able to use the things here in this section requires various fairly obvious things:   i) You understand them  This means you need to read through the four mistaken goals again and really ensure you understand what it being said.   ii) You seek to apply them  If you find your child misbehaving, first of all see what emotion is arising in you – irritation, anger, hurt or defeat and see if all else ‘fits'.   iii) A willingness to face up and be honest This is the hardest and yet the most important, because it is an acknowledgement that you have contributed towards your child's behaviour and therefore you are also part of the solution.

   

  

c) Is all there is?   It may be that you come to the end of this section and think, “Well, I don't know, nothing of this seems to fit. If that is so, you are probably in agreement with me when I suggest that no school of psychology has got the complete picture.   As I noted above, after Dreikurs there were others who added excitement, peer acceptance and superiority and it may well be that others will come up with yet more that I have not yet picked up on.   As a Christian who has been a parent and a leader and a teacher for many years, I have to confess that with all my reading and experience, there have been times when my children have driven me to prayer in my anxiety for them, more than anything else has driven me to prayer.   If you are not someone who ever prays, then there will be times when you will have to just hang on with grim resolve, determined that for the sake of your child, somehow you are going to be able to persevere and cope with their struggles, and somehow come through to a good solution.   But, whether you believe in prayer or not, go back over the above material and then the material that follows and somewhere here, almost certainly, something will be a help.

      

 

d) Look again at your child    Before we move on to specific techniques for discipline, you do need to be reminded that your child is unique and what works for one child doesn't necessarily work for another.   You may have a friend with a child and some particular technique worked for them. Try it by all means but if it doesn't work, don't be put off, just look at your child again and think about who they are. Perhaps go back to the page that speaks about their traits and personality and think afresh, what sort of person are they? Some children are remarkably compliant. It's just how they are. They were born like it and they are a dream to bring up (in fact you wish they were less so sometimes!)  But then there are other children who are determined to be their own person from the word go! They are the self-willed, or strong willed. You don't want to beat that out of them because they'll probably be tomorrow's dynamic people leading the country! We need to approach each child uniquely, so however much you take in of the techniques, at the end of the day, you will be having to ask yourself, what best fits MY child, and that is a decision only you can make!

      

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4. Specific Techniques for Discipline

   

    

 

a) Understand what we're doing    Remember what we said on page 7:   There are two ways we can view ‘discipline':   - the remedial action to deal with an out-of-hand current situation OR         - the long-term training that goes on all the time to produce a child in control of their life.   On that page we considered aspects of the second meaning of discipline. What we're doing here is thinking what can we do when we are confronted with misbehaviour, how to deal with an out-of-hand situation!

 

b) Dealing with a Younger Child   We have already observed that very young toddlers are more likely to be learning than misbehaving so if they are doing, or are about to do, things you don't want them to do, then the following are starter approaches that we've touched on previously:   i) Ignore the Behaviour  Not all behaviour you would wish to be changed is significant and needs action.  Some things are sufficiently minor as to be hardly worth making comment.  However, to decide this, determine whether silence is better than using this as a simple learning situation.  Whining or mild crying because of tiredness is not a cause for heavy action, but for making an opportunity for your child to receive food and/or rest.  When your child is about to strike, pinch or push another small child, this is not a time for ignoring them.       ii) Distract the Child     Young children are often easily distracted and so scooping them up and whisking them off to something more interesting may be the best way of moving on.  Consider some of the things in the next section that apply to older children - you could do some of these with younger children as well.            iii) Control the situation  As previously suggested put ornaments, sweets, cakes etc. out of reach  Consider how you can set up a safe and secure environment.  Consider what toys you can use to absorb your child.   (NB. In all of these you may wonder about teaching correction – we will deal with that on a later page about gaining your child's co-operation.)

    

  

c) Dealing with an Older Child     As your child grows, the following are further ways to remedy the misbehaviour:     iv) Using the Long-Term Training  Don't under-estimate the benefit of the long term training ethos – i.e. the sense that there are boundaries, expectations and responsibilities that we considered on the previous page.  For instance if your child goes to have a temper tantrum and that is something that has been discussed and understood as something not acceptable, just a word of correction or reminder is usually all that is necessary to bring the correction.  But remember, this was all about creating an ‘environment' where love is in plentiful supply and self-esteem is good.        v) Having a Time-Out  A time-out is simply a time to cool down and reflect.  Because of childish immaturity there will be times when your children upset one another and anger breaks out.  A time-out needs to be a pre-agreed (probably the first time it happens and you think it is appropriate) as a place where the child goes and sits quietly for anything between 1 and 5 minutes (depending on age – 1 minute for younger children, 5 for older)  The time-out place can be the bottom stair of a staircase, a chair in the corner of the sitting room or some other quiet place. (I am completely against sending children to their bedrooms which should never have any negative connotations, but I recognise that with a small house or with a large family that may be the only place for a child to go – but not with the door closed.)  Once you designate a time-out place with a firm voice, it is quite remarkable how a child will stay there as if there are things holding them there!   vi) Logical Consequences  These are ‘things that fit the crime'!  We have already thought about setting limits but allowing choices within those limits e.g. “If you finish your homework and let me see it before six o'clock, then we could go down to the park or alternatively if you don't finish tonight we could go tomorrow after you've done it. Which would you like to do?”  Now consequences are things that happen as a result of the decisions your child makes.  There are natural consequences such as getting hungry if you miss a meal or tired if you stay up too late.  However some natural consequences are dangerous and so you need to have created logical consequences  Created logical consequences are those which you will invent to act as alternatives to the dangerous natural consequence.   Illustration: Pat has recently passed her driving test and Dad has agreed to let her drive the family car – if the two parents don't need it, and never after eleven o'clock at night, and never if she has been drinking ANY alcohol. The natural consequences of Pat having the car without those caveats being added would be a) inconvenience for Mum and Dad, b) danger being out alone late at night and c) danger of driving under the influence of alcohol. One of Pat's friends seems to have far more lenient father and so Pat approaches her dad view a view to him relaxing these rules. Dad explains why he has these rules and then adds, “Well perhaps there should be three other options given to you. Number One, if you don't like the restrictions you either don't use the car or, Number Two, I'll give you a lift if I'm free and it's convenient and, Number Three, if you use the car and break the curfew rule you won't use if for the next week for the first infringement or the next two weeks for the second infringement, and if you ever drive it after having had any alcohol then you won't drive it for the next three months. The choice is yours, darling, what do you want to go for?”   Now note the design of the logical consequences:  We acknowledge dangerous or unhelpful natural consequences  To protect our children we provide reasonable alternative logical consequences  Those consequences are to be directly linked to the behaviour and are to be seen as such and not as some added penalty.     vii) Brainstorming Solutions  In a family situation, at a family meeting, the troublesome behaviour can be aired and all the members of the family be invited to brainstorm as many ideas as possible (however zany) to be solutions.  The child in question then chooses one of the ‘solutions' that is acceptable to the parents.  This approach brings a lightness to the problem-solving within the family. viii) Distract the Child         Even with older children, the art of 'breaking in' to the negative feelings that are prevailing, is worth working on, especially when the family generally seemed jaded.  Examples: "OK, that's it, everybody get their coats on! We're going out to.... the park, to buy some cheap sweets, etc.!" "OK, I'm bored and you clearly are too! Let's see if we can find a roll of old wallpaper and paint the longest picture possible together, in the next half hour!" OK! Let's stop this! Here's a list of ten things. First one to find all these and bring them to me get three sweets!"  "Right, you look bored. Let's get a bucket of water and three cups and go out in the back yard and have a water fight!" (Not in the winter!) "Tomorrow morning we're going down to the beach / park / river / canal etc. and will have early morning picnic breakfast!"  ix) Smacking  Because this is such a contentious area we will deal with it as a separate item.

     

  

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5. To Smack or Not to Smack

 

  

a) The Background to my Comments   Because I have been a church leader seeking for integrity, a father seeking to do the right thing, a teacher who wants to know the alternatives, a school governor who has sat in on disciplinary meetings, and a parent trainer who has listened to a number of parents, I have for many years pondered the whole question of smacking.   My conclusion is that very often perspectives on this subject come from emotionally biased, ideological viewpoints which can be illogical, little thought through and completely out of touch with ordinary parents.   My approach as a teacher may be summed up as “Try to avoid smacking but if you have to then it is vital that this is the way you do it…..”   In what follows will be why I think this is a reasonable position.

  

   

b) Some Parents WILL Smack   The harsh reality of life is that regardless of legislation or illogical but well-meaning ideologists, there will be parents who smack.