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Parenting

6. Your Child's Behaviour

A series that helps parents raise their children

Introducing this Page

The purpose of this page is to consider why your child behaves like they do. This is NOT particularly the dynamics of bad behaviour, that will be the next page. This pages suggests you already know a lot about behaviour and that goes far beyond ‘bad' behaviour.

 

Again the style of this page will be short paragraph or ‘bullet-point' style to separate out individual things for you to think about with plenty of white space around to make it easy to read. Each individual bit needs thinking about.

 

Want to know why your child is acting like they are – read on!

 

Contents:

 

1. Reading the Signs

a) Signs at different ages

b) Signs of the absence of peace

c) Signs of Childish Irresponsibility or of Wilful Rebellion

d) Where your child might be in development

e) Factors affecting what your child believes about themselves

    

2. Key Reasons why your Child behaves as it does

a) Their stage of development

b) Their place in the Family Structure  

c) You 

d) Their state of health  

e) The state of their self-esteem  

f) The Rules they have learnt  

g) Fears  

h) Wilful Selfishness   

 

3. What is Misbehaviour   

Overview of the behaviour considered.

 

4. Recap

    

1. Reading the Signs

       

        

a) Signs at Different Ages

 

•  Consider your baby, or your child when it was a baby. As a mother you probably started feeding it at the intervals that the midwife, health visitor or hospital advised you, but you soon came to read the signs: when it was comfortable it slept and when it was hungry it cried. Your baby was a good communicator!

     

•  As your baby grows it hits the ‘terrific twos' (‘terrible twos' if you look on life negatively!) a time when it is walking, communicating through limited vocabulary and sensing that there are a whole lot of things out there that it is going to be able to do – but can't yet! Frustration!

    

•  Your child is at junior school and when they come home they are what can only be described as cranky. As a new parent you wonder why this is. You look up the books and you realise that at the end of the day their blood-sugar level is low and they need food input. An hour after dinner you think they'll never go to bed!

    

•  Your child is at senior school. They took in a project they had been working on. When they arrive home, they are buoyant. It's clearly been a good day. When you enquire, yes, the project received much praise and they feel good.

      

•  Jump on a few years. You are the proud possessor of that tester of grace – the teenager! Things are happening in them. Their body has been changing and their mind has been changing. Like never before they are sensing that they are a person in their own right, not just your child. Conflict!

    

•  Your daughter has got married (we've jumped on even further) and she naively comments to you, “I don't know what it is. I keep feeling sick every morning.” You don't need much telling. You are about to become a grandparent!

                                    One thing any good parent becomes is a reader of the signs!

        

When your child is snuffly, they probably have a cold coming on. When I was young, the onset of a total-body skin rash and flu-like symptoms, with a fever, cough, and runny nose, told mother that measles had arrived. Although many of the infections of ‘back then' have been largely eradicated, the wise parent has a book on family health that gives the tell-tale signs of something where a visit to the doctor is required.

 

 

b) Signs of the absence of peace

 

•  Now suppose your nine year old suddenly comes out with verbal abuse including expletives. Now you may not realise it but there are actually TWO signs here.

   

•  The first is that you have not taught or guided your child as to what is acceptable behaviour or language. How will you have taught your child? By the way you behave and the language you use.

   

•  You may consider expletives acceptable but actually they are always a sign of aggression or violent expression, a sign of what is going on inside you. If you are a person at peace with yourself and in control of yourself you would never think of using such language because it goes against that peace in you.

    

•  If you have been bringing up your child in an atmosphere of peace and harmony, they too will not wish to express themselves like that, so the second sign here is that your child is angry, upset and not at peace with themselves.

        

    

c) Signs of Childish Irresponsibility or of Wilful Rebellion

 

•  Your child, still in a high-chair spills food over the side of the table and onto the floor. This is because they still haven't mastered the art of manual dexterity and are still sometimes clumsy. A child coming up to age two may still not be able to control its bladder and will still be wetting itself. A two year old cannot sit still in church services (say). None of these are wilful. Mistakes at this age are childish immaturity and should not be punished.

         

•  Now your child is four and doesn't like the food you put before it, so they pick it up and throw it on the floor. This is wilful behaviour that needs correction. Any correction before three needs to be very gentle because your child is venturing out on new ground and doesn't know what is expected, or what they are capable of.

      

•  We need to be alert to our child's capabilities other wise we may expect (?demand – hopefully not) things that are beyond them.

     

      

d) Where your child might be in development

 

The following might help, but remember that each child is unique and develops at their pace which may be different from your neighbour's child (who is bound to be a child prodigy!)

  

0-3months	gets head control as neck strengths grasps and holds things makes sounds can eventually smile, show pleasure, or distress is settling into routines for eating ,sleeping etc.
3-6 months	reaches our and can grab or hold things can sit up with support often very social, can make noises to show feelings recognises familiar objects is generally beginning to recognise its environment
6-9 months	sits up, may be standing with help, crawls may be drinking from a cup recognises ‘no' and its own name can express emotions of nearby children – laughter, fear is becoming aware of behaviour and consequences
9-12 months	crawls at a pace, can stand is better at grasping things may co-operate in getting dressed may have a few words more and more aware of environment, behaviour & consequences
1-2 years	walks, explores, picks up & drops things feeds self, becomes more able in many things uses clearer language becomes a toddler who is starting to have self-confidence
2-3 years	moves around without bumping into things asks simple 'what' and ‘why' questions likes to help, play beside other children gets bladder control

 

                                                            …. and so on.

 

                    Remember, it's not a competition with friends' children! 

 

 

e) Factors affecting what your child believes

 

We've noted on a previous page that your child's self-esteem and subsequent behaviour are determined by what it believes about itself. Those beliefs have origins in your family! 

 

A Child's beliefs form from at least two main sources: 

  

i) You!

     

•  what you say and do
•  what you don't say or do
•  how well you have taken on board the things on these pages

 

 

ii) The child's place in the family structure

 

The following are some generalisations:

    

•  An Only Child: may become centre of attention, difficult to get on with other children, yet can be creative and grown up

    

•  An Oldest Child: has had to give up the main attention, often wants to be boss, become leaders

   

•  A Second Child: may work hard to keep up with older sibling, may behave in opposite ways to older one

   

•  A Middle Child: often feels squeezed between others, but often learn ways to get on with all people, may not be so sure of themselves

   

•  A Youngest Child: often don't have so much to do, may become bossy or charming!

 

What is important is how they see themselves

Their view changes as changes take place

    

  

Things You Can Do?    avoid calling the youngest “the baby”  ask the youngest to be a helper  don't always talk about the oldest first  oldest and only children need to learn give and take  don't give middle child too much pity or sympathy  plan time with each child individually

 

 

Remember, just some generalisations that may or may not help you.

 

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2. Key Reasons why your Child behaves as it does

   

      

Already from what we've seen in the section above, we have noted that children's behaviour is determined by:

     

    

a) Their stage of development     At different ages they have different capabilities and think, feel and therefore act differently     The younger they are the more likely are they to do ‘childish things' which may be plain silly!       As they grow, they are struggling to learn their place in the world and at times that may cause them worries and anxieties that you need to address by talking to them.     They need to learn as they develop under your care, what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.     As teenagers they will be learning independence and the wise parent learns to show concern mixed with flexibility.

      

    

Example 1: Michael drops a dish when drying up. Question: How old is he? Is it just that he's still very young and his manual dexterity has not developed? Scolding him would thus be inappropriate. Encouragement about being aware of the slipperiness of the plates would let him know you still think he's up to the job, and you want him to continue helping.

 

Example 2: Four year old Tina wets her pants and starts to cry. Chastening her for it will only make her feel more tense and fearful of doing it again. An encouraging, “Oh never mind, let's get you some dry pants. Sometimes we forget to get to the toilet” will show concern without anxiety.

 

Example 3: Six year old Peter comes out with a word, obviously picked up from a friend at school, that you consider ‘bad language'. The probability is that he has no idea what it means, and so a gentle query and advice not to use words you don't know the meaning of, might be more appropriate than getting upset over his language. Time for talking may come as he gets older.

 

Example 4: Seven year old Jane brings work home from school to be done over the weekend. You know she's not very good with time and so a simple discussion could follow as to when she can do it without it taking up too much of her time, and will encourage her to get into a discipline with homework, with you acting as her encourager.

 

Example 5: Twelve year old Sam wants to go to a sleepover with her friends. The indifferent and uncaring parent lets it happen without comment. The insecure parent bans her from going. The caring parent sits and talks with her about who will be there, what adults will be in the house and when she will want picking up the next day. Care and concern without expressing over-anxiety help Sam understand that you care and that there are things you want to know about to ensure her safety, while not wanting to spoil her fun.

  

    

b) Their place in the family structure    If you have more than one child then there are age and position dynamics that come into play.      Relating to others is a critical learning area and the more brothers and sisters they may have, the more they have to learn this.     Somehow you have to teach the single child that they are not the all-important person in the world, and you have to teach them how to share and relate to others, without the benefit of being able to use their siblings to do that.

    

   

Example 1: Five year old Louise has now got a baby sister. So far Louise has been the only child receiving all the love of Mum and Dad. Mum needs to explain before the baby arrives, that the baby will need a lot of care in the early months and she would like Louise to help her with simple things around the house. Instead of feeling rejected by the advent of the new baby, Louise is being promoted to special helper. At the same time Dad takes care to ensure Louise is fully included in the life of the family.

 

Example 2: Three year old Gareth has two older brothers, Chris who is eight and Derek who is thirteen. Gareth feels the baby and tends to be getting pushed around by the two older boys. A gentle discussion with the older boys about what it must be like to be only three, may pave the way to greater understanding and care by them for their younger brother.

  

  

c) You    Your behaviour, setting an example of how life can be lived, is of primary importance.      If you are stressed, they will feel it.     If you disrespect other people, they will disrespect other people – and that may include you.      If your moral values are loose, (you condone stealing from work, say) they will also come to believe that is acceptable – but may also take from home!

      

     

Example 1: Eight year old Graham hears Dad excuse himself from helping at the sports club they belong to, with an obvious untruth. A while later his Mum catches Graham telling a lie to avoid trouble, to which he replies, “Well Dad tells lies, so why shouldn't I.” Your children will be a mirror for your misdoings! Even worse, they will reveal you to the rest of the world!

 

Example 2: The kids see Dad sit around doing nothing when Mum is in obvious need of help. Subsequently they never offer to help around the home either. Behaviour is catching!

 

Example 3: Mum tries to correct six year old Alan but Dad clearly wants nothing to do with it. Alan realises he can get away with things with Dad and that that will act as a means of undermining Mum's desires to discipline him. Divided standards cause more division and upset!

 

In addition to these we can add:

      

      

d) Their state of health  When a child is tired they feel cranky and have behaviour to match. They may need food or more sleep than they are getting.      If they are ill they may feel low.

        

   

Example 1: After picking five year old Gillian up from school, Mum wants to go shopping but finds that Gillian is cranky and irritable and won't co-operate going round the shops. Instead of getting angry, Mum needs to realise that Gillian's blood sugar level is low and if they are going shopping a drink or a small cake might go a long way to giving Gillian the energy she needs.

 

Example 2: Six year old Brian starts complaining of headaches. Mum starts subtly checking if he can see things at a distance, just in case he is suffering from eye-strain and needs glasses. She also talks with her Mum to see if the ‘wisdom of age' has got any helpful thoughts.

   

    

e) The State of their Self-Esteem  On Page 4 we talked at length about the importance of self-esteem, that ‘feel-good' factor we want your child to know in life, about who they are.      Their self-esteem will be attacked when they:  feel upset for reasons beyond their understanding – perhaps in times of uncertainty  feel rejected and ignored – and perhaps feel unworthy  feel unloved and uncared for – a primary need is being unmet.  are discouraged – and perhaps want to give up  lack confidence and feel inadequate.

      

   

Example 1: Dad is under the threat of redundancy at work and he and Mum have been rather preoccupied talking about their finances and the future. Four year old David, who doesn't understand what is going on, starts becoming very clinging and demanding attention. Wise Mum and Dad realise what is going on and ensure they only talk about it after David has gone to bed.

 

Example 2: Mum is worried about her health and starts getting snappy with six year old Darren. On one occasion Mum harshly tells off Darren for a minor thing he forgot to do. A little while later Darren was found drawing on the wall, something he knows he's not supposed to do! Revenge is sweet!

 

Example 3: Seven year old Sheena is constantly put down by her two older sisters. Mum has started to notice that Sheena is appearing listless and seems to quickly give up on any task requiring effort. Talking with Sheena, Mum realises that she has taken on a “I can't do it” and “I'm no good” attitude. A parents' conference followed by a quiet but firm word to the two older girls brought a change of attitude towards Sheena in them and a change of outlook in Sheena. She is no longer showing signs of inadequacy.

     

    

f) The Rules they have learnt  At first, as a baby, there are no rules, it's too early.     As they develop you begin to wonder how to guide their behaviour – most of us as parents want our children to be ‘good' and compliant and so on.      How we respond to them teaches them certain things. On Page 3 on Development we cited the words of Dorothy Law Neite which start:    If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.  If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.  If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.  If a child learns to feel shame, he learns to feel guilty.     To illustrate this further some parents who feel inadequate use anger as a tool of control. Raising their voices and shouting becomes and instrument of domination. The child thus learns if they want to get their way they should throw a tantrum etc.     A classic example of management by the child, is Dudley the son of Harry Potter's foster parents, in J.R.Rowlings' famous books. The result? An absolutely spoilt and obnoxious child, disliked by everyone.      As part of this package about ‘learning the rules' your child will be seeking to determine where the boundaries are for certain behaviours, and also whether you are willing to enforce the boundaries. (we'll deal with this more fully on the next page.)

          

  

Example 1: Mother threatens some ‘punishment' if a particular course of anti-social action is pursued by the six year old Kerry. Kerry does it and mother doesn't follow through with the threat. The child quickly learns that threats by mother are meaningless.

 

Example 2: Even simple examples of family behaviour teach the children about family life. Mother, preparing dinner, calls to the household, “Come and sit up. I'm serving up now.” The children all rush to the dining room or kitchen table, only to find she's only got the first thing on the plates and they have to sit around waiting. They soon learn that they have five more minutes to play when she calls. Children learn quickly!

    

   

g) Fears    Fears get picked up through a variety of ways:  horror stories told at school  things going badly wrong at home  reading books of horror stories  seeing horror images on TV.       The fear my only be observed by behaviour rather than it be spoken out, e.g. a child resisting going to bed may have picked up a fear of snakes from television and fear snakes under their bed.

      

   

Example 1: Gina's grandfather, then grandmother, than two aunts and an uncle died in quick succession. The seven year old watched her parents weep for the various losses and wept herself at the loss of her grandparents who were close. Now Gina is plagued by a fear that her mother and father might be next. Her mother picks up on one of two things that Gina says and realises what is going on. The two talk and mother points out that each of those who had died recently were considerably older than she or daddy. Gina is reassured and the dread that had weighed down on her seems to have gone.

 

Example 2: Greg's best friend is adopted. Greg wonders about himself. Are Mum and Dad really his true parents? Do they really love him? For months there is this nagging worry in the back of Greg's mind. He really does want to belong. One day he and dad are out fishing together and Greg broaches the subject. Dad laughs and reassures him and tells him how he was with Mum when Greg was born in the local hospital. Greg laughs at some of the story and suddenly the whole fear seems so silly, but for a number of months it had seemed very real.

 

Example 3: The Brown family were involved in a severe car crash. For several months they were all in hospital in differing states of brokenness. A year later Dad was still walking with a stick but everyone else looked fine. Eight year old Mandy had come out of it moody, having nightmares, and flashes of anger. As Dad gazed on her now laughing and playing with several of her friends in the park he marvelled at the wonder of the resilience of children who can weep and rage and laugh their way back to normality. He also marvelled that Mandy's mum had been so good throughout this year, coping with her own recovery but always there was a listening ear for Mandy. Laughter and listening are healing factors.

      

   

h) Wilful Selfishness  Psychologists are good at working out behavioural patterns but frequently not good at diagnosing the most fundamental of human characteristics – we are often plain selfish!       When little Adam looks round to see if anyone is watching, and when he thinks no one is, takes his sister's sweets, they may rationalise it as him testing the boundaries to see what he can get away with, but most of us would just say that is him being deceitful, especially when he later denies taking them.     There is a philosophy today that says that all children are born good and it is only the behaviour of others that makes them bad. The Bible's teaching that we are all born with a combination of good and bad, is far more realistic.     However you may rationalise it, you never need to teach a child to be naughty and the unchecked naughty child simply grows up into an evil adult. If you want to think more about ‘evil' there is plenty of material to help you elsewhere on this site.     On previous pages we have spoken about the need to teach responsibility. Without it, your child will blame anyone and everyone for all the things that go wrong in its life.

      

    

Example 1: Nine year old Hillary in an angry temper smashes a vase full of flowers on the shelf above the TV and as the water runs into the back of the TV there is a loud flash and the TV goes off. She blames her brother for provoking her.

 

Example 2: Fourteen year old Alice gets pregnant and blames her boyfriend for not using protection.

 

Example 3: Eighteen year old Colin smashes the car up after having had several drinks, and blames an old woman who he swerved to avoid at the kerbside.

 

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3. What is Misbehaviour?

   

         

In the fairly length section above, we have observed a variety of behaviours and causes.

To answer the question we need to recap and list those varied behaviours:

 

•  Stages of development that mean limited abilities
  •  e.g. dropping a dish
•  Their place in the family structure and the feelings that can arise
  •  e.g. feeling rejected by arrival of baby
•  Their parents' poor example
  •  e.g. learning to lie by parental example
•  Their state of health
  •  e.g. feeling grouchy at end of school
•  The state of their self-esteem
  •  e.g. drawing on the wall either to get revenge for unfair dealings or to gain lost attention
•  The rules they have learnt
  •  e.g. unrestrained behaviour from failure to control
•  Fears
  •  e.g. fears from film watching
•  Wilful selfishness
  •  e.g. temper tantrum at age nine.

 

Our temptation is to suggest that misbehaviour is some behaviour that is morally wrong such as stealing, lying, cheating etc. Those sorts of things we might say are morally wrong.

 

However when we consider the list of things above and the various examples given, there is a mixture of

•  things we might consider morally wrong things and
•  things we'd simply like to see changed.

 

        A dictionary definition of  ‘to misbehave'  is  “to behave improperly”

  

   

Right behaviour, conversely, must be ‘proper behaviour' or behaviour we would expect of our child with his or her growth and ability at any particular age and condition.

 

From this we can see, quite obviously, that dropping the dish in a) above is NOT misbehaviour.

Similarly, them acting lethargically when they are ill is not misbehaviour.

However we would like there to be change in both cases – growing ability and restoring to full health respectively.

 

When we look at others in the list we may find it difficult to decide whether is was misbehaviour or simply behaviour we'd like to see changed.

 

What becomes a more profitable occupation, rather than to categorise them, is to decide for all these behaviours we'd like to see changed:

•  why your child is behaving as they are and
•  what we can do to help them change that behaviour.

  

 

That will form the content of the next page entitled, “All about Discipline”.

 

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4. Recap

  

   

Things we've considered on this page are:

 

1. Reading the Signs

a) Signs at different ages

b) Signs of the absence of peace

c) Signs of Childish Irresponsibility or of Wilful Rebellion

d) Where your child might be in development

e) Factors affecting what your child believes about themselves

  

2. Key Reasons why your Child behaves as it does

a) Their stage of development

b) Their place in the Family Structure

c) You

d) Their state of health

e) The state of their self-esteem

f) The Rules they have learnt

g) Fears

h) Wilful Selfishness

 

3. What is Misbehaviour

Overview of the behaviour considered.

Within this page we've sought to remind you that the signs are there for you to read.

Know your child!

 

We've also suggested an introductory list of main reasons why your child behaves like they do.

 

From that list we've then wondered what is misbehaviour and then, more importantly, we can go on to consider:

•  what behaviour is it that we're unhappy about
•  why they are behaving as they are
•  what we can do about it.

 

Now much of this is seeking to create an overview to see the spectrum of what constitutes your child's behaviour so that we can on the next page reconsider causes of misbehaviour, but even our list above is incomplete.

 

Why? It's incomplete because we've said we are considering our child's behaviour but ‘behaviour' is everything our child says and does, so there are hundreds of things like getting up in the morning, getting dressed, having breakfast, going to school and so on, that have hardly even been mentioned.

 

This, therefore, was a starter page to help you start looking at your child with new eyes – to see everything they do, but more particularly those things that you would probably not be happy about.

 

It is those things that we will consider more fully on the next page, with a view to working out their motivation and how we can help them, bring change to that behaviour that concerns us.

 

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