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4. All about Self-Esteem

A series that helps parents raise their children

Introducing this Page

The purpose of this page is to consider self esteem, why it is sometimes low and how to establish a reasonable but not excessive level of self esteem in your child

 

As you might gather from that first sentence we want to aim for balance because certain schools of parenting have so emphasised the need to build self-esteem that parents have sometimes gone over the top and have ended up with thoroughly obnoxious and unpleasant children. We want to help you avoid extremes.

 

Again the style of this page will be short paragraph or ‘bullet-point' style to separate out individual things for you to think about with plenty of white space around to make it easy to read. Each individual bit needs thinking about.

 

Warning: This is a long page, but that is simply an indication of how important this subject really is. The way you think about this (or ignore it) will determine very much what sort of future you have ahead of you! Questions/Exercises at the end of each section will be applicable dependent on the age of your child. Because of the volume of this page you may wish to copy and paste it or simply download it to read it offline.

    

 

Contents:

 

1. What is Self-Esteem and Why is it Important?

a) The Fundamentals of Self-Esteem

b) Examples of Self-Esteem Being Attacked

c) About Beliefs Again

Examples of how it can be undermined

2. Signs of Low Self-Esteem

a) Negative beliefs that Demean

b) Visible Signs

3. Building Self-Esteem through Respect

a) What is Respect?

b) How do you help your child learn respect

c) Love & Respect your Child all the time

  

4. Building Self-Esteem by Encouragement

a) What is Encouragement?

b) What is the difference between respect and encouragement?

c) Simple ways we can encourage our children

d) What is the difference between praise and encouragement?

  

5. Building Self-Esteem by Assisting Learning

a) How does Learning Help?

b) Guidelines for Encouraging Learning

c) Learning for different ages

  

6. Building Self-Esteem by Simply Loving

a) Love is not Passive

b) When love is difficult

c) Things Love stops us Saying

  

7. Building Self-Esteem by turning Negatives into Positives

a) Negative Upsets

b) Negative upsets

   

8. Beware Going over the top with self-esteem

The dangers of the absence of respect.

    

9. Recap & Overview

 

     

1. What is Self-Esteem and why is it Important?

   

a) The Fundamentals of Self-Esteem  Self-esteem is all about what we think of ourselves  We can have ‘low' self-esteem when we feel negatively about ourselves  which comes from people or life telling us that we're a failure, useless etc.  and results in us struggling to cope with life.  We can have ‘high' self-esteem when we feel really good about ourselves  which comes when we've been made to feel that we belong, are accepted for who we are, are loved as we are, and are capable  which results in confidence and enjoyment of life

     

       

b) Examples of Self-Esteem Being Attacked   Illustration 1 : On Page 3 we cited an instance of our elder son following his older sister in class and being put down by the teacher because he did not come up to her expectations. This resulted in him giving up. He felt that nothing he could do would please her and he felt bad about himself.   Illustration 2 : When I was a teacher at a technical college (as it was then), I was Course Tutor of a class of full-time students. By the end of the first term one student in particular concerned me and I decided to speak to him in a fairly radical way. Let's call him Keith (not his real name). I said to him very gently, “Keith, hear me in the right way, but has anyone ever told you that you're stupid?” He replied, “Yes, my parents are always telling me I'm stupid!” My reply to him was this: “Keith I've watched you throughout this term and I want you to know that you've been fed a lie. You are not stupid; in fact you are quite capable. There are some things you do that you do very well. Generally you lack confidence and that means you tell yourself that you can't do it, or it's going to be difficult, but even then you seem to manage to handle it and come through well.” From that moment he changed and the inadequate, self-conscious late-teenager started being much more positive, confident and capable.   Illustration 3: From time to time I find myself working with small groups, and often with single parents. I do esteem building things with them because so many people have a low self esteem. Joking with one group I said, if you take on board all I say in this group, I'll taking you all sky diving in a year's time, if you're up for it! Immediately one of the young women replied, “Oh that's no good, my parachute wouldn't open.” This particular young lady is highly gifted but sees everything negatively, whatever it is, because life has told her that she's no good – and she's believed it!

    

 

c) About Beliefs Again   When parents believe in children, they help children believe in themselves.   See the beliefs that get imposed in the examples above:   Illustration 1: If my son had been dropped into life fully mature at twenty, he could have just shrugged off his teacher's negative feelings about him – but he was a five-year-old and five-year-olds aren't mature and they believe what they're told, by word, attitude and body language.   Illustration 2: Keith had listened to his parents and for some fifteen or sixteen years he believed them when they conveyed to him that he was stupid – I mean, parents know best don't they!   Illustration 3: My fatalistic sky-diver had had a variety of knocks in life for which her parents had not prepared her. These knocks told her she was a failure. She didn't have an adequate belief system about herself built in that could cope with the negatives of life, so now she can't see the quality person she actually is.            Yes, self esteem is very important, and it is built or undermined in childhood.

 

EXERCISE: Looking back over your own life, can you think of times when negative things were said to you about you, and how did you feel about that? Do you think that experience hinders you today? If yes, what do you think you can do to change that?

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2. Signs of Low Self-Esteem

a) Negative Beliefs that Demean To reinforce what we've just said, take note of the following negative beliefs that people feel about themselves, things you want to avoid in your child:     I'm a failure  I'm bad  I'm useless  I'm ugly  I'm stupid  I'm not good enough  I'm inferior  I'm unacceptable  I'm worthless  No one cares about me  No one loves me

   

  

b) Visible Signs    Similarly watch for the following visible signs of the negative things people feel about themselves, things you want to avoid in your child:      hunched shoulders  can't look people in the eye  always excusing or apologising for themselves  uncertainty  frustrated anger or hostility  brashness and loudness  constantly tired or lethargic  often ill, feeling weak  unable to accept praise  unable to accept success (It was just a one-off!)  acceptance of failure as normal (Oh that's me all over!)  fear of trying something new  fear of competing because of likelihood of losing

         

  

Awareness of these things should help us to see what we perhaps accept as normal ourselves, and give us something to work against.

 

EXERCISE: Does your child indicate any of the above signs and do you think they might feel any of the negative beliefs? What do you think you can do to change that?

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3. Building Self-Esteem through RESPECT

a) What is Respect?        Respect is a word that has gone out of currency in much modern life, so we need to think about it a bit.   Observe dictionary definitions of ‘respect': noun : deferential esteem felt or shown towards person verb : to admire, esteem, appreciate, give deference to.                Respect is about acknowledging a person for who they are.   Respect can be understood when we consider attitudes or words that are NOT respectful                   e.g. we do NOT respect someone (our child, say) when we:  ignore them  demean them  mock them  deride them    If we do any of these things, therefore, we do not respect our child and we put them down and damage and reduce their self-esteem.                          When we respect our children, we accept them as they are.   When someone ‘respects' us, we ‘walk tall', we feel good about who we are, and that changes us.   Our children need to learn to respect for themselves, for us, and for others   People who have negative attitudes about others, usually have negative attitudes about themselves. A person who disrespects others disrespects themselves.

  

   

b) How you can Help Your Child Learn Respect     i) Generally by the way you respect them      Accepting them for who they are:  Show your child you understand what they feel. Communicate it.  Think what's special about them. Communicate it.  Show that what they like doing is important.  Giving choices of food, activity etc., imply their desires are important.  Accepting their mistakes - learning builds up (see later pages).  As they grow older respect their space – i.e. ‘their' bedroom.     Doing things with them  Giving them your time says they are important to you.  Involving them in the life of the family says you want them around.       Specifically teaching respect  If you want to specifically teach respect, invite your child to think positively about themselves, others in the family, school etc. by saying something good about each person or group.    Begin when your child is a toddler and talk about everyone being treated with kindness and consideration. Praise them when they show respect.     Respect for other people's possessions is important. Your toddler will be learning ownership and that will take several years, and this includes recognising that brothers and sisters own things.     Teaching respect includes teaching respect for their brothers or sisters and a simple starting point is respecting their space, i.e. no going in their rooms except when invited or instructed by you. Respect is also conveyed by language and so simple ‘please' and ‘thank-you' convey respect (that's what politeness is!)                   ii) By the way you respect yourself and others Show respect for yourself     If you care for yourself and think well of yourself, it communicates!     Show respect for others (that's a really difficult one in practice!)    If you go on about others that teaches your child to demean others (and you!)

      

      

c) Love and Accept Your Child all the time      Respect isn't only given to perfect people; none of us are perfect!     Your child is special, they are unique, there is no one else quite like them   your child is good at some things and not so good at other things.   your child will have ups and downs, good days and bad days.  your child needs you to accept them for who they are on all days.           Correcting your child when necessary is a sign of love – see later pages.     Nagging is not a sign of love; it's a sign of self-centred concern.   If training or correction is needed, as it will be, think how to do it positively.

 

   

                 Challenge! Can I determine never to say or do anything that demeans my child?

   

     

d) Avoiding Disrespect    The absence of respect is disrespect. We disrespect our children when we treat them worse than we'd like to be treated ourselves. Some things to watch out for:      Not letting them makes mistakes  give them opportunity to learn to do things themselves  if you do everything for them you are not respecting them  give them space to learn  Using guilt, shame etc. as a motivating force  this is different from letting your child know something is wrong   wrong guilt only demeans and removes respect and lowers self-esteem  guilt is a fact not a motivating force (see later pages)  Over-high expectations  if you set the bar too high they will continually fail and feel bad about themselves  setting some expectations makes them feel to respect their ability  Failing to set and maintain boundaries  inability to train/discipline indicates lack of care and concern  failure to have boundaries of behaviour makes a child feel insecure  Making them invisible  failure to refer to your child's presence demeans them   include them in some conversations (not all)

   

   

  

EXERCISES:     1. Think about your child. Think what physical attributes make him or her unique. Then think about all the other things you know about your child that make them unique. Write that list down.     2. Have you started teaching respect to your child (how?) and if not, how may you start doing that? Make a brief list of things you intend to purposefully do with your child to build respect a) for themselves and b) for others.

 

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4. Building Self-Esteem through ENCOURAGEMENT

a) What is Encouragement?   The dictionary definition of ‘encourage' is:                                                to give courage, confidence or hope to   Ask yourself, how do I feel when someone encourages me?   How do people encourage you? They say good things about you that give you confidence in who you are and what you do.      Encouragement is an expression of love That expression of love then builds confidence in a child's capability   A child who feels loved feels secure. In a place of security, the self-esteem that is built in the child gives them the courage to grow, develop, learn to relate well, try new things and become responsible.

     

  

b) What is the difference between respect and encouragement? •  To respect someone is to have an attitude of esteem which may be expressed in ways that treat them as a person of worth.     •  To encourage someone is to speak the truth about them to uplift them in their feelings about themselves.

      

    

c) Basic ways we can encourage our children •  Have Faith in our Child •  They need to know we believe in them •  Notice our Child's Efforts •  Learn to appreciate the little things as well as the big things they achieve •  Ensure we note and comment upon their positive behaviour

  

 

d) What is the Difference between Praise and Encouragement?   •  Praise is acknowledging past achievements  •  Encouragement is building for future possibilities   Praise Is a Reward •  Praise is a type of reward. Children earn it because it looks back to achievement.    •  They might earn it by competing and winning or being compared to another. •  Praise from a parent gives a child the reward of being valued for success. •  NB. It IS right to praise our children for good achievement but don't use that to boost their self-esteem. As we'll indicate in section 4.8, uncritically that can have negative effects.   Praise Uses Words That Judge •  "You're such a good daughter!" This sets a level which is not an easy thing to maintain.     •  Hearing this, a child might think, "Am I supposed to be good all the time? What if I'm not good? Am I bad? Am I worthwhile when I'm not doing what Dad wants?" •  “I'm so proud of you!" A child might hear this as, "You make me look so good! You've pleased me by doing what I want:' A child might think, "What if I don't make Mum and Dad proud of me?”     What Does Praise Teach?           •  With praise, children learn to please others.     •  With a lot of praise, children believe that they must please other people. They decide this is the only way to feel worthwhile.     •  Children also learn to want more and more praise. They may worry when parents do not praise. They start to doubt themselves.      Encouragement Is a Gift    •  Encouragement is a gift. It isn't given as a response to success but simply as an acknowledgement of personality, character etc.     •  Encouragement from parents helps children feel valued just for being    •  This helps children accept themselves and feel capable.   Encouragement Uses Words That Notice •  Encouragement focuses on how a child has helped & now feels.     •  With encouragement, a parent might say: "It's really good having you around helping Mummy."    What Does Encouragement Teach? •  With encouragement, children learn:  •  to appreciate their own special qualities & feel capable •  to feel worthwhile just the way they are.   •  Children also learn to encourage themselves & feel more self-confident.     •  Encouraged children are also more interested in co-operating with others.      To Encourage or to Praise? •  Children need to learn to cooperate, not to be "better" than others.    •  Children need to feel accepted all the time, not just when they do    something right. •  Children need to learn to think for themselves, not to please    somebody else. •  We want to teach our children •  to have faith in themselves •  to say "I can" and "I will” •  to cooperate and care about others. •  to become self-motivated.     •  Too much praise can lead to the opposite results.   Does this mean that you should never praise your child? No! •  There are times when praise can be helpful.     •  Your child just scored at football. It is natural to applaud and shout. •  If we never hear praise we'll feel something is wrong with us! Use the language of Encouragement •  Encouragement has its own language. Here are words that encourage:   •  "Thanks. That was a great help. I really appreciated that" •  "That's difficult, but I know you can work it out." •  "You worked really hard on that!" •  "You're getting better at that every time you do it." •  "You can do it."

      

A Word of Caution

•  You can say something encouraging, but then add something discouraging. e.g.

•  "You did really good with that…. but I wish you'd do it more often "

    

•  “I'm sure you can do it...so don't let me down." 

         

•  Statements like these give encouragement - and then take it away.

  

•  The encouragement is lost. Instead, the child feels discouraged.

•  Remember that you are building your child's self-esteem. You are not trying to help your child be perfect!

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5. Building Self-Esteem through ASSISTED LEARNING

a) How does learning help?    When we learn something we inwardly feel good and have a sense of achievement.     When we learn how to cope with life and succeed with it we feel good.      All this builds self-esteem.   (Conversely, as the first two illustrations under Part 1 above show, low self-esteem hinders learning)          Particular areas of learning that help our child are:    learning about their own abilities   learning to accept limited abilities (we are ALL limited in some ways)  learning how to face change  learning how to cope with challenges and difficulties  learning to develop skills  learning to enjoy learning

  

  

b) Guidelines for Encouraging Learning      Provide safe opportunities to learn  when very young, give baby space to crawl, scribble and paint safely     Follow your child's interest  get books for them, make opportunities to follow up etc.  Watch for chances for learning  obviously encouraging school  talking about things seen regularly pointing out things, watching TV together  going out to a park, shops, a zoo, a Christmas pantomime, a museum, etc.    Ask open-ended questions  stimulate their thinking, be ready to talk about things with them  Notice and encourage  acknowledge achievements          Help your child accept and learn from mistakes teach that failure is a normal part of life teach how to say sorry encourage trying again  Make learning fun  enjoyment makes learning easier  Help your child see another point of view  encourage thinking differently   In all the above things there is something very obvious: your involvement with your child!   This may sound too obvious, but there are many, many children who do not do things with their parents and who suffer as a result.