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Parenting
3. Your Child's Development
A
series that helps parents raise their children
Introduction
to this Page:
The
purpose of this page is to give an overview of average developmental
expectations and also provide some checks against worry.
A
word of warning! When we move on from the simple development materials,
we are moving into an area of psychology and there are many different
views. If you don't want to wrap your mind round this stuff, give it
a miss! However it may be that there are things covered here you just
might find useful along the way – so give it a try!
Again
the style of this page will be ‘bullet-point' style to separate out
individual things for you to think about. Each individual bit needs
thinking about.
Contents:
1.
General Developmental Abilities
-
General
growth tendencies for different ages
2.
General Things about Children
a)
Traits
b)
Temperaments
3.
A Key Foundation Stone: A Matter of Beliefs
a)
A Matter of Beliefs in You
b)
No “forced plants”
c) The Power
of Expectation
d)
Your Child's Beliefs
e)
Children Need to Belong
4.
Recap
1. General
Developmental Abilities |
Before
you stress because your child doesn't quite fit in the following, please
remember that each child develops at their own rate. Some children may
fit the model below and others will grow in fits and spurts so that
they may be slow in arriving at one stage but may then develop very
rapidly and ‘catch up'. The following are outline notes of what you
may expect:
Birth
to 18 months old
Are
learning
- to
trust adults – who are caring for them
- to
know themselves – through their limited abilities
- to
understand the world around them – the floor is hard, some
foods are nice, warm is good etc.
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12
to 36 months old
Are
starting
- to
reach for independence
- to
walk, run, (still clumsy), experiment, investigate
- to
talk, but words can be hard to understand
- to
making demands
- to
learn
•
about self reliance - when
insist on doing it themselves – “I can”
•
about ownership - “that's
mine!”
•
about fear and safety - afraid
of strangers
•
about self control - to pat
the cat gently
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3-5
years old
Are
starting:
- to
be sure of themselves
- to
be creative - artists, builders, inventors
- to
act out adventures & practice adult roles & create
fantasy roles
- to
want you to read them stories
- to
learn how people get along, need friends
- to
have ideas, make decisions, settle arguments, show appreciation
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6-12
year olds
Are
probably:
-
Still enjoying toys and games
-
Enjoying them with others
-
Very varied
-
Learning
-
to work with others
-
to take on simple responsibilities
-
to take on jobs at home
-
Becoming aware of their role
in the life of the family
-
Becoming more appreciative of
being part of a group (gang) and aware of peer pressure
-
Quite aware of what is “unfair”
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Teens
are
-
In a time of major change
-
in body
-
in appearance
-
in thinking & perception
-
Aware of themselves in a new way
(& very self conscious)
-
Desiring to “fit in” with their
peers (& very susceptible to peer pressure)
-
Testing out their values
-
Testing out their new role in life
(an individual free of their parents)
-
Wanting independence but often
not responsibility
-
Very varied
-
Some very “adult”
-
Some hanging on to childhood
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| EXERCISE:
Observe what age your child is, and what their characteristics
are and what their abilities are at this age. Why not record that
in a journal and perhaps do it every birthday. Rejoice in their
abilities, and don't worry. |
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| 2.
General Things about Children |
a)
Personality Traits
- Your
child will have its own unique characteristics or traits
-
Personality traits are the
distinguishing qualities or characteristics of your child.
-
Some of them you may like or dislike,
e.g. the first pair – you may think it is good to be ‘reserved'
or good to be ‘warm' but that will depend on your own personality
and your own personal history.
- The
thing to hold onto in all these things (and especially if
you hear these sorts of words used in genetic contexts) is
that each one is a tendency, i.e.
when observed in your child, that seems to be the way they
tend to go. Whether they are unique fixed characteristics
or are things that can be changed by learning is open to discussion.
- Many
of us, especially in the ‘life coaching' realm consider these
can be changed, e.g. the person who is ‘naturally' shy can
be taught to become bold or confident in society, and the
person, say, who is group orientated can be taught to become
self-reliant.
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b)
Temperament
-
In
the same way as babies are born with their own physical characteristics
such as hair and eye colour, etc., so, it is suggested they
have patterns of behaviour or temperament that is unique to
them.
-
The simplest form of this
is the classification: Extrovert v Introvert, but there are
a number of different forms of personality classification
on the Internet.
-
Again the division of
opinion is whether these are fixed – and therefore parenting
should be adapted to the particular temperament – or whether
they are fluid and can be changed.
-
We simply suggest that
parents observe their children and respect what naturally
seems to be part of them and not try to change those things
unless you consider them negative influences towards the goals
you have for your child.
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| EXERCISE:
How well do you know your child? It may be that your child is
too young to do this, but if you feel you can recognise characteristics
of your child, go through the traits list above and see if your
child veers towards one of other of the traits listed. |
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| 3.
A Key Foundation Stone: A Matter of Beliefs |
a)
A Matter of Belief in You
Fixed:
if you believe
they are fixed, then we would suggest that the best general
goal for any child, is that they grow up to become the person
who is most fulfilled according to those natural traits which
they have, and the potential arising from them.
- i.e.
your role as a parent is to find out your child's traits
and then let them develop so that those traits are used
to their best possible outcome and your child feels most
fulfilled, e.g. supposing they are quite reserved, you may
need to think what positive things come out of that reserve,
and encourage those things.
Fluid:
if you believe
that these traits are simply the starting blocks which can be
changed, then your goal will be to enable your child to develop
and bring about a balance of traits.
- i.e.
your role as a parent is to observe what you consider negative
traits and encourage them to get a balance with the positive
trait. e.g. you may consider your child is naturally trusting,
in fact in your opinion too trusting so they could become
prey to sexual predators. Your role would be to talk with
them about risks and seek to encourage them to be more aware
and vigilant.
-
Now there is something
to be carefully noted in what we suggested above. In the Fixed
outcome we used the words, “let them develop” and
in the Fluid outcome we used the words, “encourage
them”.
-
Your role is not to make
your child conform to your expectations of them but to help
them be themselves (there will be some caveats on this – see
later).
-
The 1989 UN Convention
on the Rights of the Child, ratified by the UK in 1991 declared
that “the education of the child shall be directed to …The
development of the child's personality, talents and mental
and physical abilities to their fullest potential.”
-
Whether our educational
system does that is possibly questionable – yet our role is
to enable our children to develop in all areas of their life
to the best of their ability.
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b)
No “forced plants”
- There
are two opposite extremes to be
avoided in parenting:
- to
neglect our child so their development is
minimal
- most
likely from over-busy or under-educated parents
- to
force
on
our child like a hot house plant to achieve great and glorious
things,
-
possibly putting them under undue strain.
- most
likely where the child shows a high level of aptitude
already.
Report
in British Journal of Sports Medicine
(May 2006): Research from Michigan State University in respect
of role of parents in the success of their sporting children:
36
percent of parents negatively influenced their child's
development…. included overemphasizing winning, holding unrealistic
expectations, and criticizing their child.
Don't
be part of that third of parents who put their children under
undue pressure to conform to their high expectations. Encourage
them by all means, but not so as to put them under undue pressure
that has negative effects.
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c)
The Power of Expectation
-
Bearing
in mind all we have said so far, we should also note that
our expectations conveyed to our children can greatly influence
them.
-
The
parent who is always expecting more from their child can drive
the child to become a perfectionist with all of the strains
that accompany that.
-
Our
expectations can be spoken or they can be implied by body
language and in whichever way it is, our children may then
strive to meet them.
-
If
the expectations are too high, then failure brings a sense
of guilt.
-
Negative
expectations and negative expressions (we'll deal with our
words on another page) can bring about negative effects –
giving up!
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Example:
- My
daughter, the older of the two was compliant and capable and the
sun shone on her in the eyes of her teacher.
-
When
her younger brother came along, although as bright, he was a completely
different character who enjoyed socialising rather than responding
to the driving of the teacher (he has always responded badly to
be driven!)
-
As a result his teacher categorised
him as a problem. After a while he became so negative about school
that we started thinking of removing him from the school.
-
Fortunately the teacher left
and a new teacher arrived who spotted something in our son and immediately
put him in charge of the weather measuring apparatus and he soon
blossomed. The power of expectation can be both negative and positive!
d)
Your Child's Beliefs
The
best thing we can do here is quote the words by Dorothy Law
Neite written, I believe in 1972:
What
does this say? Children believe thi
ngs
about themselves in the light of the way we live.
There
is some more by Mary Rita Schilke Korzan that talks of example
and the beliefs that follow:
"When
you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting
on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another
one.
When
you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and
I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.
When
you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favourite cake
for me and I learned that little things can be the special things
in life.
When
you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I
knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to
trust in Him there.
When
you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take
it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have
to help take care of each other.
When
you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and
money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those
who have something should give to those who don't.
When
you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me good night
and I felt loved and safe.
When
you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house
and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what
we are given.
When
you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities,
even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have
to be responsible when I grow up.
When
you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes
and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right
to cry.
When
you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted
to be everything that I could be.
When
you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons
that I need to know to be a good and productive person when
I grow up.
When
you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to
say, 'Thanks' for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't
looking."
The
sadness of so many modern parents:
- How
often do you see a Mum screaming at her out-of-control children.
- When
they are shouted at, they believe they are bad – and live accordingly.
The
potential of words:
- See
the Mum who gives a hug and says, “I love you.”
- As
her child wonders, she says, “Go for it, you can do it.”
- And
they can, and feel good about themselves.
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e)
Children Need to Belong
- All
children need to feel they are important to someone else (Isn't
that a yearning YOU have?)
- They
need to feel they belong.
Consider
Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs so often spoken
about and shown as a pyramid:
- The
bottom (first) basic need is physiological
-
to have physical needs met
- The
second layer (need) is safety
-
to have a sense of security
- The
third layer is belonging
-
to feel loved , and cared for
- The
fourth layer is esteem
-
to feel good about myself
- The
fifth (top) layer is self-actualisation
-
to have a sense of ultimate meaning
to my life
- When
our children are born we meet their physical needs
- As
they grow we protect them and meet their need for security.
- Then
they need to feel they belong, which is something
some modern families fall down on.
Think
about if you feel you belong to a group, any group. Why
do you feel you belong?
You
are:
- accepted
by the group as you are
- included
as part of the communication network in the group
- involved
with the activities of the group.
Now
consider a child in many a modern family
Problem:
The child needs to feel they belong, but don't believe they
belong.
Result:
anti-social behaviour!
We'll
pick this up further and in detail on a later page about negative
behaviour.
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| EXERCISES:
1.
Rejoice in the traits you see. Rest in what you see, and love
them like they are. If they are different from you, accept them
like they are. Don't try and make them conform to you.
2.
Think about how you may convey a reasonable level of expectation
to your child – that they can do stuff – while at the same time
not putting them under pressure and simply loving them for what
they are now.
3.
Think about how often you say positive things to your child. Think
about how you can positively encourage your child.
4.
Consider what things you do that would make your child feel they
‘belong' in this family. If your list is small, think what things
you could do. |
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On
this page we have considered:
1.
General Developmental Abilities
•
General growth tendencies for different
ages
2.
General Things about Children
•
Traits & Temperaments
3.
A Key Foundation Stone: A Matter of Beliefs
a)
A Matter of Beliefs in You – acting in different ways
b)
No “forced plants” – facilitating growth, not forcing it
c)
The Power of Expectation – negative & positive
expectations & effects
d)
Your Child's Beliefs – a child will be what they believe
about themselves
e)
Children Need to Belong – this as a crucial aspect of
their lives.
As
you review this page you will realise that understanding your children
is important, but that responding to what you see is often a difficult
tightrope act, balancing between being concerned for your children on
one hand and wanting more for them on the other.
In
church we often say, “God loves you exactly as you are, but He also
loves you so much that He doesn't want you to stay like you are but
to change into something better.”
That
is also the truth about you and your child. You are to love them exactly
as they are – and rest in that.
Yet
when we see developmental or character flaws in them, we will want to
help them, at their own pace and in their own way, to remedy those things,
so that they can enjoy, more and more, being themselves.
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