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Marriage Preparation

5. Start as you mean to carry on - talk!

For those contemplating Marriage

Introducing this Page   

This is the fifth of the pages showing some of the materials we use from time to time when preparing couples for marriage. This page now considers guidance on how you need to talk together

Within this page we also look again at what it means to love our partner and especially how that is expressed in the way we talk together.

Marriages that fail frequently start the downfall at the point they stop communicating. The sad truth is that some couples never really start communicating, so this page seeks to ensure that that doesn't include you!

Contents of this Page

1. Understanding the Dynamics of Sharing

- Meaningful Sharing

- Meaningful Acceptance

- Why is this important?

- Recap

 

2. Starting before Marriage is a Good Starting Place

- there's no time like now

   

3. Understanding the Possibilities of the Future

- things that will undermine your resolve to communicate

4. Learning about each other

- loving includes understanding

- this includes knowing what is important to my partner

5. Recap

1. Understanding the Dynamics of Sharing

 

a) Meaningful sharing

 

I wonder how well you know each other? The questions on Page 2 of this series help you to get to know each other. They require you to do something vital: talk to each other

 

But they require you to do something even more: talk to each other honestly .

 

Now that requires something else if it is to work: listen to each other

 

However there is still another thing: listen to each other sympathetically

 

Now we've done this slowly, adding bit by bit, so that you start taking in vital things!

 

To go through those questions meaningfully means you will have to build trust with each other. Now it may already be there, or it may be there in only one of you, but it needs working at to go deeper.

 

b) Meaningful acceptance

 

If you are to come to a place of true unity, then you need to:

•  know as much as is possible about each other – including what has happened to you in the past

•  accept each other as you are with all your hang-ups from the past.

 

You need to be aware of emotions that may arise in you when your partner shares their past life:

•  Anger – for some of the things that have been done to them perhaps
  • you need to control it because they've lived with it and may not want you crusading off to sort out a family member
•  Laughter – for some of the things they've done.
  • beware of ridiculing your partner for it only demeans them and makes them feel foolish.
•  Jealousy – for members of your sex they've had a past relationship with.
  • trust that they're committed to you now.
•  Judgement & criticism for wrong or silly things they've done wrong in the past
  • they don't want blame, they want understanding & acceptance.
•  Envy – if they've had a better upbringing than you

 

Let's look at these again:

 

Emotion	Don't :	Do:
Anger	Blow up over what you've heard	Show sympathy, understanding & restraint
Laughter	Ridicule	Show sympathy & understanding
Jealousy	Get uptight about them & that person	Show trust in them for the present
Judgement	Blame & criticise	Show understanding & acceptance
Envy	Be catty or snide about their home life	Convey appreciation of what they had.

 

c) Why is this important?

 

If you act negatively to things your partner shares about their past, then they will close down, hold back, and not tell you other things about themselves because of fear of you saying more negatives.

 

My wife and I don't have secrets. Yes there are things in our individual work lives that we don't know about, simply because there are too many details to share. At birthdays or Christmas we will obviously not reveal what present we've bought for each other.

 

We try to share fully with each other what is going on in our lives, to do with other people, to do with our own physical health concerns or even mental health concerns. You will only be able to share these sorts of things in life if you can come to a secure place where you know you can share without negative repercussions.

 

My personal belief is that this is more difficult for women to do, this accepting without negative response, because their natural concern will be shown by suggestions of how to change, which the man sees as a criticism or attack on their manliness. I suspect that this desire to see him change is because she senses that this perceived weakness in him, is a subconscious threat to her security. While he's still got this vulnerability (weakness/failure etc.) she sees a potential area of risk which she wants removed.

 

I am convinced however, that one of the most important things we can learn to do in a growing relationship is share openly and honestly, and listen carefully and sympathetically.

       

On page 3 we noted the verse from the Bible (1 Cor 13:4-8):

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails

Let's re-emphasise here certain of these features of love:

 

It is patient – we allow our partner time to change in their time.

It keeps no record of wrongs – we don't harp back to the past.

It always protects – we are there to guard our partner, whatever!

It always trusts – we're going to determine to believe in our partner, whatever!

It always perseveres – we're going to cope with our partner's flaws, however long they take to resolve.

 

d) Recap

 

This is so important it needs repeating again and again:

 

To create a unity and a security within our relationship we must learn to share openly and honestly, and learn to listen carefully and sympathetically.

 

At all times our partner must know that WE ARE FOR THEM!     Completely, entirely, utterly!

  

   

2. Starting before Marriage is a Good Starting Place

 

If you should go at some time to the ‘Parenting' section of this site, you will see that we recommend three things on the first page:

  i) you view parenting as a lifetime role, and

  ii) you start ‘parenting' from the word go, from conception, and

  iii) you keep at it until your child is grown up and leaves home.

 

You will also see that we suggest that the reason many parents have problems with their children later on, is because they did not start thinking about ‘parenting' when the children were tiny. Start early, keep at it, and you minimise the possibilities of things going wrong.

 

Now the same is true of your marriage relationship. The best time to start working on it, is before it starts properly! In other words, you do the exercises on these pages, and you learn to communicate NOW.

 

Now is a good time because you are in the first flush of love and probably feel gentle towards one another (if you don't, check it out – this may not be love!). If you start now, this learning to communicate process, it is far easier than if you decide at some later date to do it.