1 Corinthians 12:12  "The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body."

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Life Resources Back to Marriage Contents Page   Marriage Preparation 2. Thinking about Yourselves    For those contemplating Marriage          Introducing this Page      This is the second of the pages showing some of the materials we use from time to time when preparing couples for marriage. This page now considers some of the things about us as couples entering into marriage. You might like to use some of the materials here as the basis for discussions you can have to enable you to get to know each other more thoroughly, by way of preparation for living together for the rest of your lives.      Contents of this Page 1. Your Backgrounds - Your past histories - Hopes for the future - What you bring of yourself to the relationship     2. Really getting to know you - Questions to open up your past life.       3. The Decisions you make in your Relationship - Your view of your roles - The view of 'the woman's place' - The view of 'the man's place' - Some starter questions for discussion - Criteria   4. Accepting One Another - A Desire to Change your Partner - Recognise your Thoughts - Change by Loving - Changed by Talking in Love

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3. The Decisions you make in your Relationship         Your View of Your Roles        Life together is made up of an almost unlimited number of activities. Some of those activities will be shared, some performed by one partner and some by the other partner. Who does what in your marriage will vary from couple to couple and, quite probably over a period of time.This part of the page helps you recognise where you both come from     The View of “the Woman's Place”          Attitudes have changed tremendously in the past twenty five years, yet still there may be stereotyped ideas about the role of male and female. This doesn't matter if you both agree them and you are both happy in them, but that rarely is the case. Very often our view of these things will be determined by the way our own parents worked them out and already you will have briefly considered that. The view of the woman's role in the marriage can vary, so here are four suggested variations of perception of her role:        a) Servant       We may not like to express it like this but this was the woman's role many years ago. She had almost no rights in comparison to her husband who was the ‘bread winner' or money provider. Her job was to look after the house, prepare meals, look after the children, do the shopping, washing and ironing, and be there to provide sexual pleasure for the husband.       b) Supporter          Here the wife's rights have increased but the husband is still the chief provider and has more authority than the wife. She is a friend to her husband but her chief aim is to support him in his role.     c) Junior Partner       Here the wife works outside the home for pay and her main aim is to improve the family's lifestyle. She has more rights than a non-working woman.     d) Equal Partner         Here wife and husband share equal rights and responsibilities.         The main point is not what they both DO but how they view it. The wife may see her role as a homemaker but that doesn't stop her being an equal partner as far as all attitudes and decisions are concerned.   The View of “the Man's Place”          It may be in some situations that the pendulum has swung so much in the opposite direction that the man now could hold positions a) to c) above.  If that is so, check it out; should it not be d)?   Some Starter Questions   The following questions/statements are given for discussion purposes:   i) Decisions about who does what : True or False? •  The wife should do the washing. •  The husband should do the decorating.     •  The husband should put the rubbish bin out each week. •  The husband should do the heavy gardening. •  The wife should sew button back on shirts. •  The husband should make sure all the bills are paid. •  The husband should take the car to the garage for its MoT. •  The wife should stay at home when there are children. •  The wife should do the house cleaning. •  The husband should men faulty electrical appliances. •  The wife should choose when to start a family. •  The wife should be the one who teaches values to the children. •  The husband shouldn't go out with ‘the boys' leaving the wife in alone.   ii) Decision about buying things : True or False •  The husband should choose his own car. •  The wife should choose her own clothes. •  The husband should choose his own clothes. •  The wife should choose what food to buy. •  The husband should choose where they go on annual holiday. •  The wife should be able to spend the money she earns as she will. •  The husband should be able to buy a new computer without asking his wife. •  The wife should be able to make her own decisions about her career   Criteria?   What sort of criteria would you want to use to help you both make decisions, for example in order to decide:      •  when to buy a new car •  what to decorate the house •  what sort of Hi-Fi to buy •  what sort of holiday to go upon •  what career moves to make •  when to start a family •  whether to have children •  how to spend leisure time

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4. Accepting One Another   a) A Desire to Change your Partner If you use the lists and the questions on this page to get to know one another more fully, there is a danger!  You may find out things about one another that leave you unhappy. Your tendency may be to want to change your partner. In fact, if you do these exercises before you commit yourselves to one another, it is not unusual for there to be two different thoughts or attitudes that arise in you: i) "I can live with his/her foibles. I love him/her and this is enough."  that is the view of young romance and is good for the moment.  however you do need to look at this more fully because you may also be thinking: ii) "I'll change him/her once we are married/together." b) Recognise your thoughts The fact of the matter is that you are not accepting your partner as they are and you have an underlying desire to change them. Please recognise that this in turn will create the following two problems: i) You will be constantly critical of your partner  - even if you keep it under cover.  such a criticism will act as a foundation stone on which further criticisms can settle and before you know where you are, you have a totally negative view of your partner, which is then the foundation for a split. ii) You will be constantly trying to change your partner and this will create tension in you both.  your partner will sense this pressure to change and that will create tension  in the woman this comes out in the form of nagging, constantly going on about his failures.  all this does is make the man hostile and defensive. NB. You do not change people by going on at them; you change them by loving them.   c) Change by Loving       Let's say that again: You do not change people by going on at them; you change them by loving them! I am a Christian leader and therefore the strong ethical side of me has recognised that i need changing. When I have struggled to 'keep the rules' or 'be good' I have failed. For a while I can hold on to my self-control but eventually, in a low moment, I blow it. Yet i have changed incredibly over the years? How has that change come about?  By first of all recognising that God does actually love me just like i am and then, second, by being loved by my wife. Her care, consideration and understanding has been probably the most important channel for God to pour His love out on me. That has made me secure and in that security I dare be honest about what I'm truly like and then in that environment of love, I change. In days to come you will need to come back to this place on the Internet and remind yourself of these things again.   d) Changed by talking in love Elsewhere on this site under Divorce Avoidance you will find guide notes to how to build basics into your relationship. You may find them useful (CLICK HERE to go there). One of the vital things you will need to learn to do is talk together in a non-threatening manner.  The Bible says, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” (Lk 6:31). That is a good rule and you know it is!  If you blow it, you would like people to treat you gently and not harshly. Now if you feel that about yourself, then surely it would be a good rule to apply to the way you treat your partner, and no more so that when you are in conversation. Don't speak to your partner in any way that you wouldn't like them to use in speaking to you. Don't be condemning or judgemental. Don't be critical or hostile. Those things do no good at all and simply push you apart. The result of that is that unless you learn this you will move on to another partner and another and another....  and guess who it is who is going to be alone in old age? When you talk together about any of the things on this page, treat one another gently - now and always!  Be understanding and caring and accepting.  That way you will create a secure environment where you will both be able to speak honestly without any sense of hostility. If you can do this, then you really have a strong foundation for an enjoyable life together for many years to come.

  

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